Definition of Patriarchy
ANSWER
Hello! This is a foundational question, and I’m glad you asked it.
Patriarchy is a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it.
Patriarchy is associated with a set of ideas, a patriarchal ideology that acts to explain and justify this dominance and attributes it to inherent natural differences between men and women.
Western societies have been under a patriarchal societal system for the last 2500-3000 years. The shift in societal structure is mainly associated with change in spiritual beliefs.
Patriarchy as a need to uphold men in a situation of power thus require women to be in a situation of subordination.
As women began to claim back power in the mid 1850’s (right to own land at first and then right to vote), diet culture was created. At first, focus on beauty standards and then moved into body size, diet culture is keeping women focused on their body instead of claiming back more power from patriarchy.
In your third month inside Conquer and Thrive, you will have a class, “Women Body and Power” that will deep dive into this more. In the meantime, if you wish to listen to Stephanie speak about this, listen to her podcast released on May 26, 2020 “PRO SERIES: FEMINISM & DIET CULTURE”.
Hope this helps!
Confident: Self Coaching model
C: Changing clothes to go out
TD: Nothing will fit; pants will be tight; pants will pinch belly; arms on shirts will be tight; I won't feel pretty if nothing fits
T: Pants will be tight
E: Anxiety
T: Pants will pinch my belly
E: Discouraged
T: I won't feel pretty if nothing fits
E: depressed
ANSWER
Hello sister! Congratulations for showing up for coaching… learning the self-coaching skill will be a game-changer for you! I’m happy to say that your abbreviated self-coaching model, as taught in lesson 4 of Confident, is PERFECT!
C: is neutral T’s are complete, and 1 thought to 1 emotion!
Well done!
We will be waiting for you to submit the next level as you go further in your lessons!
Failure
C: failure
TD: I'm not good enough
I don't belong to the group
Nobody will like me
I will not be loved
I'm stupid
I will be alone
I will be laughed up on
I will stand out; people will see me
I will not get attention
It will go from small to bigger; everything will fail
I'm an imposter
I'm a bad girl.
T: Nobody will like me
F: Isolated
A: I hide, I procrastinate, I don't start, I don't go through with it, I don't choose
R: I don't do the things I want
T: I'm stupid
F: Ashamed
A: I keep everything to myself, I don't ask for help, I overwhelm myself with more and more information - but never apply, I overthink, I ruminate, distraction, numbing
R: No change in what I want to achieve
T: It will go from small to worse
F: Anxious
A: Perfectionism, do it by the rules, go for all the details, go for it 200%
R: give up on everything.
I find this hard; my brain doesn't like to go here. I struggle with the intentional model
C: failure
T: It's an opportunity to grow
F: Encouraged
A: I would try a different approach, I would see what I can change, what I could do differently
R: I can grow
Thought ladder
I look forward to failure so I can grow from it
I embrace failure as an opportunity to grow
I'm learning to embrace failure as an opportunity to grow
I'm open to believing I CAN embrace failure
I can become a person who believes I can embrace failure
There are people in the world who embrace failure and look forward to it
It is possible that my brain is not reliable when it tells me that I'm incapable of dealing with failure in my life
Current thought: I'm convinced that I must avoid failure at all costs.
Any thoughts? Am I on the right track?
ANSWER
Hello!
First off, give yourself a big hell yes!!! You faced one of your biggest fears heads on! So proud of you.
Yes, you are on the right path! 100% on the right track.
It’s not supposed to be easy, but you did it! You pushed your brain to go where it didn’t want to go. You recognized that “hard” means growth and you kept working on your self-coaching even if it was a struggle. Well done, sister!
Your intentional model and ladder are perfect! Because it’s a “Core belief” that you have dragged on with you for years, you have staged your ladder very slowly, which will make your brain accept the new way of thinking about failure easier and faster.
Now the key is for you to practice the new unintentional thought step by step until it feels neutral. Then move up!
Well done, and keep us posted as you change your belief about failure. If you haven’t yet listened to podcast #249 from The Going Beyond The Food Show - “The Good Girl Syndrome,” it may help your brain see this process with more compassion.
Good work, sister!
Confident: Love vs Fear
Fear-based thoughts
I have to work harder for my health.
I will never get to enjoy gluten, dairy or coffee without negative health effects.
People will judge my unhealthy looks and choices if I don’t follow my own advice.
I don’t have time or support or help at home.
I don’t have money for the gym, personal trainer, etc.
I’m too tired to try to fit anything extra into my schedule, I just want to rest.
I don’t have friends interested in healthy routines to workout with, eat healthy with or that share the same interest as me.
Love-based thoughts
I can choose to eat healthy without feeling restricted.
I feel good when I eat healthy and exercise.
I’m a likable interesting person if I just put myself out there.
ANSWER
Hello!
This is very good... You didn’t submit the sector of your life so from what I can tell these thoughts make total sense and are well categorized.
Be sure to download your audio guide to your portable device and practice your self-compassion to nurture more love-based thoughts in the future!
Confident: Processing feelings
Physical sensations: suffocated, sensitive, heavy, constricted.
Name of Emotion: Fear & Shame (self-conscious)
Trigger event: Thought of recent job loss.
Physical sensation: tense, sensitive, queasy.
Emotion: shame, guilt, sad, angry, rejected.
ANSWER
Great work, sister! This is very well done. You have defined trigger and good interoception awareness (ability to feel bodily sensations). My coaching would be to get even more specific on the location of bodily sensations. For example, in your first trigger tight clothes: where do you feel sensitive? Where do you feel heavy? Do you feel heat or cold?
Confidence storylines
ANSWER
Hello!
This is a great question.
I'm going to try and answer each of your questions and give some exercise to help assimilate the teaching.
Being confident is a skill taught to us most often by our family, parent or caregivers. Unfortunately for many of us, the opposite of confidence is taught to us: for example
-often, kids are shamed for their body looks and size. They are taught via shaming that they shouldn't be confident unless they look a certain way.
-Often, girls are told that grades in school are very important. They are taught that to be worthy and confident, they need to perform in school.
-Girls are also taught to do as they are told, to not go against the rules. This leave girls insecure about doing what's right for them that to be confident, they must obey society rules.
A good place to explore more examples of this is by listening to podcast #249 of The Beyond The Food Show titled, "The Good Girl Syndrome" and also podcast #250-The Black Outfit… these two podcast episodes will likely spark more memories for you in your life.
To your question "What am I supposed to get out of understanding how I was taught to not be confident?"…. What you will gain is the understanding and awareness of the beliefs you were taught growing up that still play in your mind today leading you to not feel confident now.
In your workbook "Your confidence Storyline" you have a graphic that teaches you how your "perspective" - what you were taught creates the thoughts you are having today which create the emotions you feel or don't feel leading to the actions and results you have in your life.
For example, if someone taught you that thinner is better or that being fat is terrible, then it creates your present desire to make your body smaller.
Circumstances are events in our life that we respond to. When we think of where we must require confidence, we could think of the circumstance of a work assignment or perhaps the circumstance of walking into a room filled up with strangers. Both are neutral events that for many us would require confidence to either perform well or have a good time.
The opposite of confidence is often insecurity and/or anxiety. So you can reflect on event / circumstance in your life where you felt anxious or insecure and ask yourself how the event / circumstance could have been different if you would have felt confident instead of insecure? This exercise of reflection will likely provide you with lots of circumstances to work with.
For many women in our community, their body image is a very frequent circumstance where they feel "insecure"… body image often play in various circumstance for example: sexual relationship with a partner, buying new clothes, words from a loved one about our body…
Lastly, I love the fact that you say, "I would like to be more confident…". Let's work on this!
As you progress in CONFIDENT, you will be taught the self-coaching model to help you create confidence in various circumstances of your life. Pick one circumstance and work through all the booklet to help you create this confidence.
Come back here for each step, and we will coach you!
Great work, sister!
Pilling up the Lbs.
ANSWER
Hello!
Great courage showing up for coaching.
The first place I want you to acknowledge yourself for is just that: Showing up for coaching on a subject that is very sensitive for you. I bet you’ve had these moments before and never reached out and asked for help… but this time, you did. Well done!
Next, I want you to recognize how normal this reaction to gaining weight is. We have been socialized as women that gaining weight is the most “terrible “ thing that can happen to us. Not only that it’s the most terrible that can happen now that we are also socialized and reminded every day that more “terrible” things will happen to us in the future if we don’t lose the weight… think rejection, judgement, health issues etc… So it’s 100% normal that you are having this reaction to knowing you have gained weight.
The socialization about weight and what it means for you is what you need to change. You need to change the narrartive, aka thoughts you think about your weight.
Your body weight, the number on the scale is neutral… what makes it terrible is your thoughts about it. The good news is that you can change these thoughts… you are a grown-up woman and have the autonomy to think the thoughts you choose about your weight.
Right now, the thoughts you think lead you to have panic attacks, and I bet you you don’t want that?
To change your thoughts, you need to use the self-coaching model. Let me help you with the first few steps.
Currently, this is what is going on in your mind based on your message: (Lesson 4 CONFIDENT)
Circumstance: Body Weight
Thought Download:
I’m heavy
I hate it
I knew I gain weight, and that’s terrible
Pounds are pilling up and up
I don’t want to buy bigger clothes
I can’t find anything nice in larger sizes
Buying clothes that fit means giving up on myself
I hope intuitive eating will help me lose weight
I’m not judging myself
T: Pounds are pilling up and up
F: Anxious
A: panic attacks
R: My body weight feel terrible
Then you would break the main 3-4 thoughts down to see how each one makes you feel, which actions it create, and the result in your life.
T: I hate it
F: _____ (maybe disapointement??)
A: I give up / I overthink about how life was better when I was smaller / ruminate as to why my body is gaining weight / Overthink why this is the worst thing that can happen in my life
R: I prove to myself that I should hate my weight
T: I’m not judging myself
F: frustration
A: Overthink why it’s not a judgement of my body but a fact / ruminate why it’s a fact that gaining weight is terrible
R: I continue to judge my body but I justify it by making it a fact that it’s terrible to gain weight
That’s what self-coaching is about - discovering how we create our reality. Right now, your reality is that gaining weight is terrible. It’s not true. Gaining weight isn’t terrible. What makes it true for you is the thoughts (aka opinion) you have about gaining weight. Can you see that you are in fact, judging yourself, and that’s why you feel terrible?
Body weight is just a number on the scale. Just like your height or the lenght of your hair: They're just numbers… do you judge yourself and your worth into this world because of the length of your nails? (Lesson 4 of CONFIDENT)
You need to neutralize the meaning of weight gain so you can stop feeling terrible and opening the door to peace and freedom. This is the second stage of self-coaching: creating a new way to think about weight that is neutral and not attached to your self-worth. That’s what we call intention thinking. (Lesson 6 of CONFIDENT)
C: Body weight
T: The number on the scale doesn’t mean anything about my worth (this is just an idea… work on finding an intentional thought that will feel good to you.)
F: Calm
A: I stop weighing myself / I peacefully transition to intuitive eating / I listen to my eating cues with compassion / I detach my body weight from my worth / I buy clothes that make me feel comfortable / I ask other women where they buy their clothes / I move my body with joy / I focus on my health beyond my weight / I focus on sleeping better / ….. ( fill in the actions you’d like to create for yourself)
R: I interact with my body with compassion
You may need to use the thought ladder to get you to believe your intentional thought (Lesson 7 of CONFIDENT).
1-It’s possible that my brain is lying to me when I think that gaining weight is a terrible thing
2-There are other women who think that the number on the scale doesn’t mean anything about their worth
3-It’s possible for me in the future to think that the number on the scale doesn’t mean anything about my worth
4- I’m beginning to think that the number on the scale doesn’t mean anything about my worth
5- The number on the scale doesn’t mean anything about my worth
This is it… This is how you self-coach yourself how to get out of this terrible place you are in right now because you gain weight.
I would also recommend you listen to the private podcast 10 where Stephanie teaches about resistance and podcast #12 where she explained the process of gaining weight. One last one… podcast #13 The process of change.
So digest this and come back to us and see how you are doing!
Help with a thought ladder
Thanks!
ANSWER
Hello and great work showing up for coaching. Let’s create this thought ladder…
The first place we need to start is to determine how you create the reality (R) of “not being totally capable in my job”.
Based on what you shared, this is what your unintentional model looks like:
C: My job
TD:
I’m not totally capable
being on disability makes me less than
Being disable cause me to be out of the loop in my profession (Projecting here…)
…..
F: inferior, incapable
A: ruminating over my day, overthinking about my day and over-analyzing my day.
R: I’m not totally capable in my job.
And you’d like to create the feeling of being capable and confident.
So we recommend focusing on 1 emotion at a time. Let’s say you want to create confidence.
C: My job
T
F: Confident
A:
R:
If you feel confident in your job, what actions would you take? I’m going to project (due to limited information provided about the job or current thoughts about the job): Would it be safe to assume you’d want to make decisions quicker? (less ruminating) Stop questioning your choices and move into action? Make a plan and stick with it for the day?
C: My job
T:
F: Confident
A: Allow myself limited time to make decisions, stick to my decision and start working, disregard other people's opinions about my choices?
R:
Next, you need to figure out the thought you could think of in the future that would create confidence. I have provided 1 suggestion but given the limited details you have provided, it’s very difficult for us to determine the thought that would be helpful.
C: My job
T: I have the abilities to be an excellent _____ (fill in blank to your profession)
F: Confident
A: Allow myself limited time to make decisions, stick to my decision and start working, disregard other people's opinions about my choices?
R: I'm an excellent ____ (fill in blank to your profession)
I’m going to follow my hunch here and say that the Circumstance here is not really your job as much as how you process your disability in relationship to your job (or former disability if you are fully recovered). I think that what really is impacting your ability to feel capable at work….
Have you worked through your thought about your disability or former diagnosis of your disability? Is it possible that you are still holding judgement about it?
C:_____ (disability)
It’s similar to women being in a larger body and thinking that their body size is creating their confidence.
We often start the thought ladder with:
Bottom: It’s possible for women like me (in a large body) to be confident.
There are women like me (in a large body) that are confident.
I’m becoming a woman in a large body that is confident about herself and her abilities.
I’m a woman in a large body that is confident about herself and her abilities.
I’m a confident woman.
How does this resonate with you?
We’d love to hear from you. Perhaps fill in the blanks and resubmit, and we will help you with the next steps.
Tuning Out Diet Culture
C: Lots of diet messaging and talk everywhere right now
TD: How can all these people actually believe promoting diets is a good practice? What if they are all right and I am wrong? It is so obvious to me how futile and borderline unethical the diet messaging is; why is it not obvious to them? Am I missing something? I am having a hard time competing with the "diet noise". I only have 3 clients signed up for my coaching program this month - I cannot compete with the diet industry.
F: Overwhelmed, annoyed, insecure, disappointed
A: I hesitate to put myself out there. I am unfollowing a bunch of social media accounts that promote diet culture (which I think is a good thing)... but I should be doing it out of respect for myself and not anger at them. The overwhelm is making content creation in my own programming more difficult.
R: I only have 3 new clients starting this month
I am not sure if I have thought through this in the correct order... would you be able to give me feedback and help me set up the new model I need to adopt?
Thanks!
ANSWER
Hello!
Well done showing up for coaching.
I'm going to coach you on two angles: 1- technical application of the self-coaching model (because you are a PRO). 2- the thinking errors.
1- Technical Coaching
This will help you understand the real issue. Refining your technical self-coaching skill will allow you to find the CORE beliefs behind the suffering.
The C is not neutral. "LOTS" is an option. "Everywhere" is an opinion.
Our brains resist seeing C as neutral. Holding back seeing C as neutral allows our brain to justify our T as facts.
Neutral C: Words (or message) from diet culture in January
We recommend not having questions in a thought download as it hides a real T. Again, your brain present you from seeing the real T so it can keep thinking it. For example: "How can all these people actually believe promoting diets is a good practice?" might mean: "People believe diets are good." It would make sense of a non-diet practitioner brain to think this as it would likely produce an F of insecurity A of procrastination or praralysis.
Challenge each question in your T and get to the real T.
You need to break down each mean T in an individual model so you can determine which T creates which F and A. That's essential to understand yourself better and truly to see where and how you can create change.
C: Words from diet culture in January
T: I'm wrong about non-diet way
F: ??? (insecure?)
A: I hesitate to put myself out there, _Overthinking?____ (what else do you do when you feel insecure professionally?)
R: My non-diet practice is dangerous
C: Words from diet culture in January
T: I still believe diet messaging
F: ??? (disappointed)
A: I hesitate to put myself out there, I create content from anger instead of compassion, I'm not confident in my program, so it's harder to sell it to others, _____ (what else do you do when you feel disappointed?)
R: I resonate to diet culture noise in January
C: Words from diet culture in January
T: It's hard to compete with diet culture
F: ??? (Overwhelmed?)
A: I do not create as much marketing content, I take action from anger, I'm not confident in my marketing, I market my business from a place of fear, I overthink the next step, I ruminate as to why diet culture is better than me, ______ (what else do you do when you feel overwhelmed?)
R: I prove to myself that it's hard to compete OR I continue to believe I need to compete
You need to complete each model and dig deeper to get to the root cause… The big belief that causes you to believe diet culture messaging.
When people say they are triggered by something, it simply means that other people's words or thought are reflecting a belief in them that they are ashamed of or do not know they still hold. Go and listen to podcast #262 - Beyond The Food podcast.
Other people's words (diet culture noise) aren't what create these emotions in you. It's your thought about the diet culture noise that creates your emotions. So my guess is that somewhere within you, you still believe diet culture message.
Which part of diet culture are you still uncertain about? Is it all food is good? Is it the health part of thinner is better?
Or maybe you believe that you need to compete with diet culture instead of forging your own path?
As far as intentional model: It's hard for me to help you set one up until we can know exactly what the core belief is about.
C: All food are good
C: Health is available at any size
C: Other people's words
C: Competing with diet culture
There so many ways you can go with this. I would suggest you do the way I coach you with and then see what happens. Submit, and we can work on an intuitional model.
Risk-taking
Unintentional Model:
C: Risk
TD:
I can’t do hard things
I don’t trust myself enough to take risks
I don’t follow up with conviction
I don’t believe in myself
I don’t trust myself
I need people around me
I’m afraid
I’m going to fail
I’m not smart enough
I’m not consistent
I don’t commit to doing something
I don’t succeed
I couldn’t move to a different country
I’m lonely
I don’t have support
I don’t know how to do things alone
I’ve always had my family and my friends with me
I know how to have others solve my life for me
I don’t take risks
I’ve always avoided taking risks
I try to build layers and walls of protection
I need things to be perfect
T: I dislike taking risks that change my life.
E: Defeated, Mistrust, disappointment, hopeless, unhappy, resistant, overwhelmed, worthless, afraid, anxious, frightened, paralyzed, scared, terrified, worried, Regretful, Incapable, trapped, vulnerable, dissatisfied, reluctant, ungrounded, unsure, worried, failure, struggling to survive without what I have today
A: Catastrophizing, avoidance, overthinking, ruminating, distraction, numbing, victimized, perfectionism
R: I’m convinced I’m incapable of taking risks that change my life
Intentional Model:
C: Risk
T: I am able to embrace change
E: Resonant
A: I trust myself to succeed through change, I let go of safety, support myself through periods of change. I learn, I apply, I throw myself onto small risks to learn how to do it, and then onto higher and higher ones. I live a life that I authentically build to be what I want
R: I embrace change
Thought ladder
Desired thought: I embrace change
I’m learning to embrace change
I’m open to believing I embrace change
I can become a person who believes I can embrace change
There are people in the world who embrace change
It is possible that my brain is not reliable when it tells me that I’m incapable of taking risks that change my life
Current thought: I’m convinced I’m incapable of taking risks that change my life
___
It definitely feels at this moment like I have to start at the bottom of the ladder, I recognize I have been able to make progress in some ways, but there is so much more I could do if I liberate myself from these thoughts in my TD.
ANSWER
Hello!
This is well done…. I can see that you're advanced in your self-coaching practice. So with that, I’ll coach you in an advanced level.
I assume you know that in the unintentional portion of your self-coaching you should detail the main 2-3 thoughts individually so you can figure out which main way of thinking creates which emotions, therefore actions in your life.
When I look at your TD is see 3 main thought lines: I can’t do hard things - Failure is bad, and I’m alone and that’s not good. I will let you do this on your own.
If you haven’t yet, I would explore what failure means to you…
In your intentional model:
What does change mean to you? Is it negative, neutral or positive? Your thought I embrace change…. is your brain afraid of change, and you are trying to get your brain to embrace danger? If so, it may never work as your brain is wired to run away from danger, so you may need to neutralize danger first before embracing it.
The emotion of resonant. When you feel resonant, will you take these actions? When I look up resonance it means a form of compassion… the actions that you want to take in my body would require courage, confidence, power, determination that level of emotions. This is totally a personal opinion so take it as a grain of salt.
Added a few words to your thought ladder
Desired thought:
I look forward to the opportunity to change aspects of my life
I embrace change
I’m learning to embrace change
I’m open to believing I CAN embrace change
I can become a person who believes I can embrace change
There are people in the world who embrace change and look forward to it
It is possible that my brain is not reliable when it tells me that I’m incapable of taking risks that change my life
Current thought: I’m convinced I’m incapable of taking risks that change my life
Hope this helps!