Coach Corner
Do you need coaching on a particular situation?
Do you have questions understanding The Beyond the Food teachings or Conquer & Thrive materials?
You're in the right place, sister!
- Submit your question using the form below.
- One of the Beyond The Food Coaches will answer your question.
- We want to keep coaching anonymous so please refrain from including your name in submission.
- Questions will be answered within 48 hrs, Monday to Friday.
- You’ll receive an email notification once your question is answered.
This contact form is available only for logged in users.
Hating what my face looks like from an early age has had severe impact on my confidence for decades
Over the years, I have spent hours and hours despising my appearance. I spend a lot of time looking in the mirror, using my fingers to chop off my large cheeks. When I was a child, people always remarked how fat my face was. From then till even now, my face disgusts me, and I imagine men are also disgusted by my face, and just my face is enough for them to ignore or insult me .
Yesterday, I was making a "how-to" video for my clients, and when I was editing, I was repulsed by my face and considered not showing my face on my next video.
It's a 50-year-old thought, feeling, action, result cycle. I know it is stopping me from carrying out confident actions. I want to liberate myself, I need to do an intentional model, but when I approach it, I feel tearful and want to sleep so I can hide.
ANSWER
Hello! Congratulations for showing up for coaching on this very emotional circumstance in your life. Good work, sister!
The first thing I want to say is that it’s normal that you feel paralyzed in the face of this situation. It’s been with you for 50 years, so feeling disgusted by your face is your comfort zone. Your brain knows that changing the thought, “I hate my face,” means moving out of your comfort zone and evolving. All of this is normal and a clue that you actually are doing something powerful!
So let’s do this: The circumstance here for this is: my face.
C: My face
Next, you’ll need to do a complete thought download. Grab a piece of paper, and over a few days, take all the thoughts you have about your face (or words you heard other people say) and put it on paper.
C: My face
TD:
Look at these thoughts and remind yourself that these are thoughts, not facts.
Next, you can model out the 3 main thoughts. Let’s do one so you can see the flow.
C: My face
T: I hate my face
F: disgust
A’s: Overthink all the reasons why my face is ugly / Ruminate on childhood memories when an adult told me my face was fat / Overthink about old childhood memories and use them as evidence to prove how ugly my face is / spend time in front of a mirror picking at each part of my face I hate / Avoid showing my face on video / Disrupt my service to my client by not showing fully / Impact my business by not showing up fully / I avoid dealing with this issue for 50 years
R: I find plenty of evidence of how ugly my face is and continue to create evidence for myself of how problematic my face is.
Now…The intentional model. We recommend starting by emotion or action line. This is a case of emotion first!
The way we teach body image is by first aiming for neutrality, not love. So pick an emotion that reflects being neutral. We'll go with calm for now.
C: My face
T: ____________
F: Calm
A’s: __________, ________________, ____________
R: ________
Next, ask yourself how you would act if you felt calm when seeing your face in the mirror? Fill in A line.
C: My face
T: ____________
F: Calm
A’s: Film video for client with face on / look at myself in mirror without emphasizing part i do not like / ……
R: ________
What do you need to think about your face to feel calm? Know that you are not going to feel calm now… but in the future, you will after rewiring your brain to this new thought.
The concept of body neutrality teaches us that the reason why we have a body is not for appearance and beauty but rather for function. Our face function is to eat / breathe / and communicate our emotions to others. Period. Your face is not an ornament.
A basic thought could be: I have a human face.
This is what your intentional model could look like.
C: My face
T: I have a human face
F: Calm
A’s: Film video for a client with face on / look at myself in the mirror without emphasizing the part I do not like /...
R: I interact with my face as with any other part of my body for its function.
Next, I would suggest a thought ladder to help modulate your brain into believing and feeling calm this new thought. I’d suggest you review Confident Lesson 7.
Goal thought: I have a human face.
Ladder: I have a human face to be used for function, not beauty.
Ladder 2: I’m becoming a woman who engages with her face neutrally.
Ladder 3: It’s possible for me to be neutral about my face in the future.
Ladder 2: It’s possible that my brain is lying to me when it’s telling me my face is ugly as a fact.
Ladder 1: There are other humans with fat face that are neutral about their face.
Current thought: I hate my face.
That’s it. Simple! Keep us posted on how your practice goes!
Cravings and self-coaching
I'm getting more and more accustomed to depersonalizing my thoughts and feelings. I remember questioning my thoughts and remind myself that "I am not my emotions, I only feel my emotions." But I don't know how to apply this to cravings. When it comes to cravings, I become a slave of them because I don't even remember to stop and think where they are coming from and make a conscious decision about acting on them (eating) or not. It's as if my mind and body are hijacked when it comes to cravings - unlike other thoughts I have.
How to approach this? Is it possible to put cravings somewhere on the self-coaching model and work through them?
Thank you!
ANSWER
This is a great question that is easily answered.
First, know that all the answers are or will be taught to you as your learn Intuitive eating.
The first place to start is the language you use. When I read your question, I see DIET MINDSET peaking its ugly head. The word “craving,” the word “slave” are strong clues. The word “highjacked” is another clue… Lots of diet culture language.
I will use the word urges instead of cravings moving forward as this is a neutral word.
Here’s where I’d suggest you start:
Do you trust your body?
Why is it that you doubt the validity of your body urges?
Why do you desire to control your cravings?
As with any desire to control lies a fear below: What are you afraid will happen if you don’t control your food urges?
Perhaps your lack of awareness of your food urges because you believe they shouldn’t be there in the first place. Why would you want to pay attention to something you believe to be wrong? Faulty?
To unpack food urges using the self-coaching model, you simply put food urges on the C line. Food urges are neutral; what makes them something to avoid, control or “bad” is your thoughts.
C: Food urges
Investigate your thoughts about food urges. See how they create feelings and actions in your life. You will likely find that the thought you have about urges actually creates more urges.
Hope this helps you, sister!
Self-Coaching Models
I am on the Confident section and putting together my self-coaching models. I'd like feedback on whether I am doing them correctly.
C: New clothes delivered to the house
TD: Will they fit, will I like them on my body, will I be making a trip to the store to return them, will I have to get a larger size
T: Will they fit
E: Anxiety
A: Procrastinate trying on till I'm "in the mood," psych myself up to try them on
R: Try on clothes in a stressed and critical state
Is this correct?
Here is another:
C: Ate a lot of food again
TD: I'm weak, I'll get fat, I'm a bad person, I'm going to gain weight
T: I'm weak
A: Next day only eating "healthy" foods and no snacking
R: Restricting again!
Is this OK?
One other question: is there a place you have the definitions of each component of the Self Coaching model? For example, Stephanie refers to Action as "do or do not do." What is the short definition of each component of the model?
Thanks!!!
ANSWER
Hello!
Overall, my sister, you are doing great work! Very well done!
I'll coach you on the specifics so you can get your self-coaching game to the next level.
The structure is perfect! Where you need to push to the next level is to individualize each thought so you can see the full impact of thinking this way… Also, don't be shy on the A line: take the time to explore all the behaviours you have. I like to write it as A's instead of A to remind myself to be explorative.
Example:
C: New clothes delivered to the house
TD: Will they fit, will I like them on my body, will I be making a trip to the store to return them, will I have to get a larger size
T: Will they fit
E: Anxiety
A: Procrastinate trying on till I'm "in the mood", psych myself up to try them on
R: Try on clothes in a stressed and critical state
T: Will I like them on my body
E:
A's:
R:
T: Will I be making a trip to the store to return them,
E:
A's:
R:
T: Will I have to get a larger size
E:
A's
R:
The same pattern for your other model…
And on your question: We did showcase the model in Lesson 2 video but perhaps not as much as we should. So based on your feedback, we are going to go ahead and update the worksheet for Lesson 2 to add a section to recap the model. Give us a couple of days to do this.
In the meantime, here's what we will add to the worksheet for lesson 2, so you don't have to wait:
The self-coaching model is an easy way to see how our thoughts play out in our lives and create the reality we experience. The framework of the self-coaching model allows you to trace the causal relationship from your thoughts to your result (reality your experience in your current life).
The Model:
C: Circumstance: Neutral facts of the situation that are outside of your current, immediate control
TD: Thought Download: All the thoughts you have about the circumstance
T: Thought: A story your mind tells, which lead to a feeling in your body
F: Feeling: Physical sensations in your body, which lead to actions (and inaction)
A's: Action: How you behave when you think the thought and feel the feeling in the F line (may not reflect what you actually did or would do, but rather what you would do if you acted ONLY from the feeling in the F line.
R: Result: The outcome of your thought, feeling and actions / inactions, as they pertain to you, for this specific situation (circumstance).
Tired: C, T, F or R?
I usually say, "I feel tired/exhausted", but according to the self-coaching model, I'm not sure if it is a feeling. Sometimes I think it's a circumstance that I need to be neutral about, sometimes I wonder whether it's just a thought, and sometimes I wonder whether it's a result of my actions. Many times I feel tired, and I wonder how I can tackle this using self-coaching...
Thank you!
ANSWER
Hello! Great question, sister.
I feel tired is a thought.
I feel exhausted is also a thought.
It's not a C because a C is neutral. So the C might be energy level, and then the thought is: I feel exhausted.
Fatigued is the physical component, and tired is the emotional component.
As a feeling, tired has a quality of feeling sorry for oneself. Is it possible that this is what happens to you when you have the T: I feel tired?
So it's optional to think I'm exhausted or I'm tired. It's an option that you have.
What if you weren't tired? What if you weren't exhausted? If what you felt then was instead normal? Then what?
How to investigate this?
Get specific on the C:
C: Work exist
T: I feel exhausted
E: Self-pity
A's: Don't do anything / lay on the couch / avoid work / ruminate why I'm so tired / overthink why I'm so tired.
R: I confirm to myself I'm exhausted.
Definition of Patriarchy
ANSWER
Hello! This is a foundational question, and I’m glad you asked it.
Patriarchy is a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it.
Patriarchy is associated with a set of ideas, a patriarchal ideology that acts to explain and justify this dominance and attributes it to inherent natural differences between men and women.
Western societies have been under a patriarchal societal system for the last 2500-3000 years. The shift in societal structure is mainly associated with change in spiritual beliefs.
Patriarchy as a need to uphold men in a situation of power thus require women to be in a situation of subordination.
As women began to claim back power in the mid 1850’s (right to own land at first and then right to vote), diet culture was created. At first, focus on beauty standards and then moved into body size, diet culture is keeping women focused on their body instead of claiming back more power from patriarchy.
In your third month inside Conquer and Thrive, you will have a class, “Women Body and Power” that will deep dive into this more. In the meantime, if you wish to listen to Stephanie speak about this, listen to her podcast released on May 26, 2020 “PRO SERIES: FEMINISM & DIET CULTURE”.
Hope this helps!
Confident: Self Coaching model
C: Changing clothes to go out
TD: Nothing will fit; pants will be tight; pants will pinch belly; arms on shirts will be tight; I won't feel pretty if nothing fits
T: Pants will be tight
E: Anxiety
T: Pants will pinch my belly
E: Discouraged
T: I won't feel pretty if nothing fits
E: depressed
ANSWER
Hello sister! Congratulations for showing up for coaching… learning the self-coaching skill will be a game-changer for you! I’m happy to say that your abbreviated self-coaching model, as taught in lesson 4 of Confident, is PERFECT!
C: is neutral T’s are complete, and 1 thought to 1 emotion!
Well done!
We will be waiting for you to submit the next level as you go further in your lessons!
Failure
C: failure
TD: I'm not good enough
I don't belong to the group
Nobody will like me
I will not be loved
I'm stupid
I will be alone
I will be laughed up on
I will stand out; people will see me
I will not get attention
It will go from small to bigger; everything will fail
I'm an imposter
I'm a bad girl.
T: Nobody will like me
F: Isolated
A: I hide, I procrastinate, I don't start, I don't go through with it, I don't choose
R: I don't do the things I want
T: I'm stupid
F: Ashamed
A: I keep everything to myself, I don't ask for help, I overwhelm myself with more and more information - but never apply, I overthink, I ruminate, distraction, numbing
R: No change in what I want to achieve
T: It will go from small to worse
F: Anxious
A: Perfectionism, do it by the rules, go for all the details, go for it 200%
R: give up on everything.
I find this hard; my brain doesn't like to go here. I struggle with the intentional model
C: failure
T: It's an opportunity to grow
F: Encouraged
A: I would try a different approach, I would see what I can change, what I could do differently
R: I can grow
Thought ladder
I look forward to failure so I can grow from it
I embrace failure as an opportunity to grow
I'm learning to embrace failure as an opportunity to grow
I'm open to believing I CAN embrace failure
I can become a person who believes I can embrace failure
There are people in the world who embrace failure and look forward to it
It is possible that my brain is not reliable when it tells me that I'm incapable of dealing with failure in my life
Current thought: I'm convinced that I must avoid failure at all costs.
Any thoughts? Am I on the right track?
ANSWER
Hello!
First off, give yourself a big hell yes!!! You faced one of your biggest fears heads on! So proud of you.
Yes, you are on the right path! 100% on the right track.
It’s not supposed to be easy, but you did it! You pushed your brain to go where it didn’t want to go. You recognized that “hard” means growth and you kept working on your self-coaching even if it was a struggle. Well done, sister!
Your intentional model and ladder are perfect! Because it’s a “Core belief” that you have dragged on with you for years, you have staged your ladder very slowly, which will make your brain accept the new way of thinking about failure easier and faster.
Now the key is for you to practice the new unintentional thought step by step until it feels neutral. Then move up!
Well done, and keep us posted as you change your belief about failure. If you haven’t yet listened to podcast #249 from The Going Beyond The Food Show - “The Good Girl Syndrome,” it may help your brain see this process with more compassion.
Good work, sister!
Confident: Love vs Fear
Fear-based thoughts
I have to work harder for my health.
I will never get to enjoy gluten, dairy or coffee without negative health effects.
People will judge my unhealthy looks and choices if I don’t follow my own advice.
I don’t have time or support or help at home.
I don’t have money for the gym, personal trainer, etc.
I’m too tired to try to fit anything extra into my schedule, I just want to rest.
I don’t have friends interested in healthy routines to workout with, eat healthy with or that share the same interest as me.
Love-based thoughts
I can choose to eat healthy without feeling restricted.
I feel good when I eat healthy and exercise.
I’m a likable interesting person if I just put myself out there.
ANSWER
Hello!
This is very good... You didn’t submit the sector of your life so from what I can tell these thoughts make total sense and are well categorized.
Be sure to download your audio guide to your portable device and practice your self-compassion to nurture more love-based thoughts in the future!
Confident: Processing feelings
Physical sensations: suffocated, sensitive, heavy, constricted.
Name of Emotion: Fear & Shame (self-conscious)
Trigger event: Thought of recent job loss.
Physical sensation: tense, sensitive, queasy.
Emotion: shame, guilt, sad, angry, rejected.
ANSWER
Great work, sister! This is very well done. You have defined trigger and good interoception awareness (ability to feel bodily sensations). My coaching would be to get even more specific on the location of bodily sensations. For example, in your first trigger tight clothes: where do you feel sensitive? Where do you feel heavy? Do you feel heat or cold?
Confidence storylines
ANSWER
Hello!
This is a great question.
I'm going to try and answer each of your questions and give some exercise to help assimilate the teaching.
Being confident is a skill taught to us most often by our family, parent or caregivers. Unfortunately for many of us, the opposite of confidence is taught to us: for example
-often, kids are shamed for their body looks and size. They are taught via shaming that they shouldn't be confident unless they look a certain way.
-Often, girls are told that grades in school are very important. They are taught that to be worthy and confident, they need to perform in school.
-Girls are also taught to do as they are told, to not go against the rules. This leave girls insecure about doing what's right for them that to be confident, they must obey society rules.
A good place to explore more examples of this is by listening to podcast #249 of The Beyond The Food Show titled, "The Good Girl Syndrome" and also podcast #250-The Black Outfit… these two podcast episodes will likely spark more memories for you in your life.
To your question "What am I supposed to get out of understanding how I was taught to not be confident?"…. What you will gain is the understanding and awareness of the beliefs you were taught growing up that still play in your mind today leading you to not feel confident now.
In your workbook "Your confidence Storyline" you have a graphic that teaches you how your "perspective" - what you were taught creates the thoughts you are having today which create the emotions you feel or don't feel leading to the actions and results you have in your life.
For example, if someone taught you that thinner is better or that being fat is terrible, then it creates your present desire to make your body smaller.
Circumstances are events in our life that we respond to. When we think of where we must require confidence, we could think of the circumstance of a work assignment or perhaps the circumstance of walking into a room filled up with strangers. Both are neutral events that for many us would require confidence to either perform well or have a good time.
The opposite of confidence is often insecurity and/or anxiety. So you can reflect on event / circumstance in your life where you felt anxious or insecure and ask yourself how the event / circumstance could have been different if you would have felt confident instead of insecure? This exercise of reflection will likely provide you with lots of circumstances to work with.
For many women in our community, their body image is a very frequent circumstance where they feel "insecure"… body image often play in various circumstance for example: sexual relationship with a partner, buying new clothes, words from a loved one about our body…
Lastly, I love the fact that you say, "I would like to be more confident…". Let's work on this!
As you progress in CONFIDENT, you will be taught the self-coaching model to help you create confidence in various circumstances of your life. Pick one circumstance and work through all the booklet to help you create this confidence.
Come back here for each step, and we will coach you!
Great work, sister!