Struggling with living in a big body
I’m struggling with the program and loving the big body I’m in. I don’t want to love my big body because it’s the cause of my low-self esteem. My questions are, can I succeed with this program if I don’t want to love the big body I’m in? What if I still believe in diet culture and losing weight?
ANSWER
Hello!
This is such a great question. I have a lot of good news for you.
Here's the first good news for you, sister: You don't have to love yourself or love your body. That's not what we do here at Beyond The Food. We do not teach self-love or body love. We teach women how to be neutral about their bodies and how to respect themselves.
Body love or self-love is BS… On this, please go listen to private podcast #21. It will help you tremendously to understand this concept and why it's essential for you.
I would suggest listening to the Beyond The Food podcast #255 Body neutrality it will help you understand the difference.
What you need to aim for is body respect.
Next good news for you: Self-esteem is not the product of any external feature, including body size. Self-esteem is the outcome of the way you think about yourself. Self-esteem is produced by the thoughts you entertain in your mind about yourself. This is why some large-bodied women have high self-esteem, and some thin women have poor self-esteem.
The belief you have that your self-esteem is related to your body size is completely normal. This is what diet culture is telling us every day. It's likely what you have been socialized to from a very young age (like the rest of us).
Patriarchy created diet culture in order to indoctrinate women into the belief that thinner is better, and the solution is shrinking their body (aka dieting). So it's no surprise that you think like this now… that's what unlearning diet culture is all about.
To your comment: "What if I still believe diet culture?". Recognizing diet culture exists is recognizing that the thin ideal is not true, meaning that to feel worthy as a woman, you do not have to fit a certain beauty ideal.
Every human is born worthy, including women. Self-worth aka self-esteem, is not something to be earned. It's not something you have to work hard at. Self-worth and self-esteem is your birthright. This is why women who lose weight do not feel better about themselves. Once they temporarily check the box of body size, they move on to the next issue- they need to fix about themselves so they can earn their self-esteem. This leads to the relentless chase for self-worth that never ends….
This is the work you have to do… reprogram your belief system that you are worthy. This reprogramming is done using the self-coaching model and taught to you inside the CONFIDENT course (first month inside Conquer and Thrive). I would suggest you do a model on C: Self-worth and submit it to Coach corner, and we will help you.
Next: "What if I want to lose weight??. We live in a free world, my sister and as a woman you are totally empowered to make decisions about your body. Your body, your choice. That's the premise of Beyond The Food. We don't teach you how to do this here. There's an $82 billion weight loss industry awaiting to offer you solutions.
The only coaching I will give you is this one: Before embarking on the next diet, take time to do it fully conscious of the outcome: 91-95% of chances you will lose some weight and gaining it back within 1-5 years.
Lastly, leave you with this: Go back to CONFIDENT course lesson 1 and use the love versus fear decision matrix to analyze your decision. Make sure that your decision is from a place of love and not fear. That's the only way to create happiness, health, and peace in one's life.
Hope this helps and will be waiting on your self-coaching model on self-worth!
Identifying physical sensations that follow triggers
I'm working through Processing All the Feelings exercise and I'm able to identify triggers and emotions but I'm having trouble identifying the physical sensations. I'm starting to think that I may always be in a heightened/anxious state so many of the physical sensations are always present. I'd love some help or guidance with this exercise, please.
ANSWER
Hello!
This is such a great question and so common when we first begin the work of self-coaching.
Yes, emotions manifest as physical sensations in our bodies. That’s why we call them feelings. And, what you’re experiencing is completely normal and very common. We are culturally conditioned to dissociate from our bodies and intellectualize everything. This work isn’t intellectual. And it’s super weird at first. That’s okay. Let it be weird. You’ve likely never been taught to feel your feelings before, so you’ve had decades of not doing that. You’re learning a new thing. This disconnection is even more relevant for us women who have dieted their whole life. Part of the dieting process is to disregarded physical sensations in order to deprive our body of food and or over-exercise our body into pain. To be a dieter require a physical disconnection to our body. Over the years of dieting, women become head people. That's part of the work... reconnecting to our body and learning to listen to it.
We first start with our emotions and then we move on with food. Both requiring to build this physical connection. It's very possible that you are in a state of anxiety most of the time if your thoughts are anxiety-producing thoughts (aka fear-based thoughts). That's why learning to apply the self-coaching model is essential so you can start changing the anxiety-producing thoughts to lessen the anxiety your feel in your body. Another contributing factor is awareness. This program is "forcing" you to feel your bodily sensations maybe for the first time so it can be overwhelming for many of us at first. To realize we have so many sensations and emotions is a big AH AH moment for many of us. I would suggest downloading the self-compassion audio and practice the short mindfulness technique when you feel overwhelmed. Maybe even making this practice a daily happening so that instead of managing you prevent it.
Rest assured.
You’re exactly where you need to be.
Self Coaching model re. Intuitive Eating
TD: I was an intuitive eater until my mid-30s, and relearning it, I wish I could lose weight while eating intuitively. Sometimes I think of intuitive eating as a free pass to eat whatever I want. It's hard to see coaches who teach intuitive eating and are skinny. I feel I should be a thin intuitive eating coach.
T: I wish I could lose weight while eating intuitively
F: hopeful
A: I practise intuitive eating like a diet, I stop myself from eating things that satisfy me and then find myself overeating them later.
R: still in diet mentality mode and not really an intuitive eater.
T: I think of intuitive eating as a free pass to eat whatever I want
F: guilty
A: fight that thought, rein in on how I eat, become more controlling, and it becomes a diet. I eat what I think I should eat and then find myself overeating things that I restrict
R: still in diet mentality mode with a focus on weight loss and less on making peace.
T: I should be a thin intuitive eating coach
F: rejected
A: I reject myself as a coach and don't show up and practice. I fall out of integrity with what I want to help women with
R: I don't show up as an intuitive eating coach at all
ANSWER
Hello!
Since there is not direct question or request, I will assume that you want coaching on your self-coaching model. If this is incorrect, please let us know and resubmit. I will also coach you on intuitive eating.
The first place to start is on your self-coaching model. Overall this is really good unintentional on self-coaching. You have a lot of thoughts on intuitive eat I will assume you haven't done LIBERATE yet as it would appear that you also have fatphobic thoughts about body size. I would suggest you explore it separately or wait for you to have access to the body image course.
Based on your thought download, it appears that you are a professional, so you will need to separate your self-coaching about your personal experience with intuitive eating and your coaching abilities as an intuitive eating coach.
I will assume you haven't completed the PEACEFUL course, which will help you with your understanding of intuitive eating principles. Your personal experience with healing your relationship to food and learning intuitive eating for yourself will be the ground for your professional skills. What you carry for yourself in your belief system will impact your coaching. So I'm not sure if you are in practice now, but I would suggest that you have work to do on yourself prior to coaching others.
Let's look at your first model.... your C is great. TD is good.
I would watch for thoughts that start with " I feel...." thoughts are not feelings. When you use I feel... what do you really think and believe? Most often, when we use " I feel..." or "Sometimes..." we are avoiding see the real thought hiding. So when you say, " I feel I should be skinny..." get real and honest: Do you have a belief or the thought that you need to be thin to be an intuitive eating coach?
The model is contradictory...
T: I wish I could lose weight while eating intuitively
F: hopeful
A: I practice intuitive eating like a diet. I stop myself from eating things that satisfy me and then find myself overeating them later.
R: still in diet mentality mode and not really an intuitive eater.
Do you believe that intuitive eating is a weight loss diet? Is that why you feel hopeful?
What makes me question the model is that you say you feel hopeful which means you have a desire to lose weight and that you hope that intuitive eating will help you with this goal. But at the same time, you have an action that goes against intuitive eating principles... So it's either that you have a wrong understanding of IE (you think it's a weight loss diet) or that you aren't clear on your true feeling.
Here's a question that may help you: When you look outside of IE, when you feel hopeful, how do you behave? Do you take action that goes against what you are hopeful for?
The R is this model isn't 100 accurate. When you think, "I wish I could lose weight," and you take the A's, you have listed what you are actually creating is a constant focus on weight loss for yourself.
The second model:
T: I think of intuitive eating as a free pass to eat whatever I want
F: guilty
A: fight that thought, rein in on how I eat, become more controlling, and it becomes a diet. I eat what I think I should eat and then find myself overeating things that I restrict
R: still in diet mentality mode with a focus on weight loss and less on making peace.
You R is actually bringing your T in reality: You eat whatever you want, disregarding the basics principles of intuitive eating (hunger/ fullness and satisfaction cues).
I would suggest that your next step is to get started with PEACEFUL - The Intuitive Eating Project so you can have a clear path to learn intuitive eating and be able to build an intentional model that would be aligned what Intuitive Eating that doesn't co-opt dieting or diet culture.
If we missed anything or need further help, feel free to submit again.
Peeling the Onion
TD: I have to make dinner and it should be healthy. My husband is going to be disappointed with me. When I don't cook proper, I will get more sick. I'm weak to have a migraine. I have a bad body.
F: ashamed, weak and guilt
A: start thinking about how to control my eating. I denied myself any snack after diner. I numbed myself out with Netflix.
R: I didn't look after myself, no self-care in the moment I needed it.
When I start thinking in the model, I feel like it brings on more thoughts and feelings. It's like I'm able to look further down in me. In this circumstance, I did the model, and then it hit me later that down under there is the thought that I'm not a good person because I have regular periods of migraine and therefore I'm not productive. And that there should always be an explanation for being sick. It goes back to being a good girl (again).
Now I have this question, do you have to go peeling the onion so far down? Then the circumstance is moving a kind of out of the picture.
I hope I make sense and you understand my question. (and excuses if I made spelling mistakes)
ANSWER
Hello!
So to quickly answer your question: Yes, it's like peeling an onion... what first starts as a mundane issue when worked through properly in the self-coaching model, quickly becomes about our core beliefs. If you go back to Lesson 2 of the Self-coaching course, you can see how our beliefs create all of our thoughts.
So if you have a belief that you need to be a good girl, now as an adult "good wife," and that based on your upbringing, a "good wife" means THIS and THAT when you do not meet THIS and THAT you will have critical thoughts.
The goal of self-coaching is to bring awareness to these core beliefs and decide if they are still serving us today.
Now, I'd like to coach you on your model itself.
The C is not neutral and has many T in it. I think this is what your C and TD could look like when neutralized:
Circumstance: I had a migraine.
TD: I have to make dinner and it should be healthy.
My husband is going to be disappointed in me.
When I don't cook proper, I will get more sick.
I'm weak to have a migraine.
I have a bad body.
I had a bad - read unproductive - day.
I did not go shopping.
I have no energy for cooking or whatsoever.
I just made some fries (there a T about making "just fries" maybe "I should have been able to do a full meal??")
Then you need to unpack the main 3 T to identify which one caused shame, weak and guilt. 1 T for 1 F for 1 R
Then you'll be able to truly identify all the R you are creating in the C: migraine.
As you are progressing through the detailling of each T as you see the A's and the R, the core beliefs will become evident.
So stop back and detail out each T and then resubmit!
Great work, sister!
Reframing Body Confidence with Self-Coaching
C: I teach people about health and nutrition. I am in a larger body.
TD:
Nobody is going to take me seriously.
I don't look healthy to other people.
My body shape reflects poorly on my professional goals.
I need to lose weight to be able to get clients who trust me.
T: My body shape reflects poorly on my professional goals.
F: Shame, avoidance
A: I do not get in front of the camera or in front of people as often as I should.
I do not speak to my services with the level of confidence that I really have in them.
R: If nobody sees me, nobody knows me, and it is slow to gain clients for my business.
C: I teach people about health and nutrition. I am in a larger body.
T: Body size has very little to do with health.
People judging my body probably are not ready to ditch diet culture and be my clients right now anyhow.
I know that my insides are healthy, and what others presume to know has no relevance.
Potential clients seeing me in a larger body and exuding confidence may allow them to feel that they can do the same thing.
F: Empowered, enthusiastic, motivated
A: I speak about my journey honestly with other people.
I continue to show up and deliver truth in my business no matter what I look like.
R: My ideal clients are people like me, and they will be attracted to work with me because of my value of authenticity
ANSWER
Hello!
This is a great beginning work...
The first place I would look is the C.... it's not neutral. Larger body is an opinion not a fact. Larger than what? I would suggest that the C: teaching health & nutrition my body the rest is a T.
C: teaching health & nutrition with my body
TD:
??My body is too large to teach nutrition and health???
Nobody is going to take me seriously.
I don't look healthy to other people.
My body shape reflects poorly on my professional goals.
I need to lose weight to be able to get clients who trust me.
Next, you need to flush out each T individually. This is really important for you to see and become aware of how through your action you create the R currently present in your life. 1 T to 1 F to 1 R. This is where 80% of the work is in self-coaching.
Remember that your R is proving your T right. So for each model, how are you creating the R reflecting your T through your actions?
C: teaching health & nutrition with my body
T Nobody is going to take me seriously.
F
A's
R
C: teaching health & nutrition with my body
T I don't look healthy to other people
F
A's
R
C: teaching health & nutrition with my body
T My body shape reflects poorly on my professional goals
F
A's
R
C: teaching health & nutrition with my body
T I need to lose weight to be able to get clients who trust me
F
A's
R
Once this is done, you can take time and reflect and ask yourself, "What A or F do I want to create for myself. Based on your first sentence, it has to do with confidence.
C: teaching health & nutrition with my body
T
F: Confidence
A's:
R
Next step is what actions do I want to take?
C: teaching health & nutrition with my body
T
F : Confidence
A’s: ______, ______, _______, ________
R
And then what T(1) do I need to think to create confidence and these A's?
And then the R will be proving your T right.
So go back to work and resubmit when you have it reworked. Take your time; this is BIG work. As a practitioner in a non-conforming body to the thin ideal, this is everything. This model will be how you will create business success and transform people's life.
Good work!
My Body Thought Model
C: My Body
TD:
I liked my smaller body better
My stomach is bigger than I want it to be
I've been eating too much lately
T:
My stomach is bigger than I want it to be
Action:
Body checking in the mirror, only from the side angle to see how much my stomach pokes out
Result:
I keep disrespecting my body
ANSWER
Hello sister!
So you are working on your unintentional model about your body... well done so far.
The F line is missing... Should I assume this is an error? For the R line: Part of the reason why you might be struggling with finding the R is you haven't flushed out the A-line enough. You are listing one A: body checking but what else do you do when you think "My stomach is bigger than I want it to be".... Here's so A's I have observed from coaching women on the Body image model before: 1- Overthinking about their body part, comparing their body part to prior time or other people, ruminating about perceived reasons why their body part is too "big", judging themselves for having done the "perceived action" that " cause the body part to be bigger", refusal to buy clothes that fir the said bigger body part properly, impacted freedom in the sexual interaction, commenting or mind judging their body part, physical or psychological restriction of " bad food" that "caused" the body part to get bigger, perfectionist expectation of what the "body part" should look like, etc...These are just some ideas for you to get you started. Once you can see all the A's you create the R will become more evident. Remember that you create your R that proves your T right. So if you T is "My stomach is bigger than I want it to be" you will create an R that your stomach is bigger than you think it should be. The other important element here is to flush out each T in its own model. Working on your intentional body for your body image is one of the most profound works women can do. It takes time to flush out all the T and A created by the socialization to diet culture and patriarchy for women's bodies.
When working on core beliefs like body image I like to keep my journal open and keep coming back to it over days... daily 10 or so minutes of work. In between sessions, I keep thinking about it and it becomes clearer. Keep submitting as you progress.
Well done sister!
Social change in the sewing community
R: I bring awareness and contribute to dismantling systems of oppression in the sewing community.
Ladder:
Thought ladder
I bring awareness and contribute to dismantling systems of oppression in the sewing community.
I am doing my part to dismantle systems of oppression in the sewing community.
I am taking steps to contribute to dismantling systems of oppression in the sewing community.
I am learning how I can contribute to dismantle systems of oppression in the sewing community.
I’m open to believing that I can contribute to dismantling systems of oppression in the sewing community
There are people in the sewing community who can contribute to dismantling systems of oppression
It’s possible that my brain is not reliable when it tells me that it’s impossible for me to dismantle systems of oppression in the sewing community
ANSWER
Hello!
I can see that you are an advanced student in self-coaching. Your models are well constructed and show clearly how the quality of our thoughts creates the quality of our result.
I can see that you are trying to create something new in your life, which is awesome that you are at that point of self-confidence. Well done!
One note on your unintentional model: Your F line has two emotions. I will assume that you have presented us with a condensed version of your model here today. Be sure that when you practice on your own, you do separate your F individually. To each thought, 1 feeling. We tend to skip this critical part...
In your intentional model in the T line, you have two thoughts, and therefore you have two feelings in your F line. This tells me you need to do some more work to identify exactly which T is connected to which F.
The next step would be for you to get clear on which F will produce the A's you have outlined. Is it trusting or being satisfied?
Great work, sister!
Exercise and food
I finally knew it was craziness, and I came upon Intuitive eating and the work of Ellen Satter. I changed my eating back to intuitive eating. I’ve followed HAES and that world for years. I agree wholeheartedly. Over the past ten years, my body has added fat, and I’m just getting used to my new body. I haven’t weight trained in years, and I want to get back weight training twice weekly. I’ve yet to commit.
I’m guessing my own internal pressure that I “ should” look like I used to is part of the problem. The other problem is the dietary recommendations from the Canadian Diet Association gets into my head. The reason is that I’m aging, and age-related illnesses can start and will start to show up. After all, we can’t live forever. Too much knowledge of the “right way” to move and feed my body is the problem. Thanks!
ANSWER
Hello!
I'm not sure exactly what you would like coaching on. I can't find a question to answer. We didn't receive a self-coaching model either. So at this point, the best that I can do is to comment and suggest the next step. If this is not what you expected, please resubmit a direct question or a self-coaching model.
First comment: Well done for you to recognize your thin privilege. That said, having thin privilege doesn't spare us from being fatphobic or having internalized the fear of fatness. It would appear that is what is happening for you. I make this assumption because of this sentence: "I'm guessing my own internal pressure that I "should". This would indicate to me a fear of being fat.
So this would be my first coaching for you. You need to put this through the self-coaching process. We teach you how to do self-coaching inside the CONFIDENT course: Lesson 2-7.
So, in this case, I would suggest your C: Body size.
The second observation is around food. Although you have extensively studied Ellyn Sater and Intuitive Eating, it would appear that you are still holding "food judgement" or "healthy/ unhealthy food" beliefs within you. This is why you are struggling to process the "recommendations from the Canadian Diet Association"... you haven't yet changed your beliefs about certain food, and now you experience a dilemma.
We teach you this inside PEACEFUL.- Lesson 4. We lead us to use the self-coaching model to neutralize all food.
C: Food
And the last observation would be about your internal belief system about health. Looks like you have a lot of thoughts (what you described as knowledge), and you haven't yet made a decision on what you will believe or not. As a result, you are conflicted and uncertain.
C: Health while aging
TD
x
y
x
x
x
x
F: Uncertain/ Conflicted.
Stage 1 of Self-coaching asks you to inventory all of your thoughts and see what they create. Stage 2 of Self-coaching requires that you decide what you will think going forward. I think this is the key for you.
I would suggest you watch the "Health Goals the Non-Diet Way" Masterclass replay and work through all the exercises.
Hopefully, this coaching will be helpful. Be sure to ask a direct question or share your self-coaching model even if not complete next time so we can address your needs better.
Intuitive Eating Weight Gain Model
Circumstance: I see a picture of myself before starting Intuitive Eating and before having my 2nd child where I'm thinner than I am now.
Thought: I looked better thinner, and Intuitive Eating is causing this weight gain.
Emotion: Doubt, Concern, Unsure
Action: I run down a list of all of the foods I've been giving myself permission to eat now that I've gone down the IE path.
Result: I keep beating myself up when I look at that picture and doubting I'm on the right path.
ANSWER
Hello!
Great work showing up for coaching.
So I can see you are starting with Self-coaching. This is great work so far...
First, the C line has thoughts in it. That's normal because our brain wants to justify itself!
Your C would be: picture of myself before second child
Then I'm thinner than I'm now is a T and goes into your T line.
What's missing in your model is the thought download line. This is where we download all of the thoughts we have about the C.
C: picture of myself before second child
TD:
I'm thinner than I am now.
I looked better thinner.
Intuitive Eating is causing this weight gain.
Then, we need to separate each T into its own model so we can see the impact of each thought.
C: picture of myself before second child
T: I'm thinner than I am now.
E: Which emotion is felt in your body when you think this thought? Doubt / Concern or Unsure?
A's: which actions do you do when you feel this particular E.
R: What result do you create when you do these A's? Remember that your R proves your T right.
Then you do another model for each T from your TD.
I would suggest you do these models and post again in Coach Corner so we can look at it and coach you, so you feel confident in your skills.
This is the most important step of this program! We want you to be successful, so please keep coming back!
Good work, sister!
Feeling my hunger
Back story: I've done it all.... but my most vivid "diet" that comes up in my brain is one I have heard from an ex-coworker. She told me only to eat one sandwich (any kind) a day. Then the rest of the day, drink red bulls.....!!!! I did, and I was very active and at my thinnest and drinking cases of Red Bull a day. I've also done the whole fasting thing... and shakes, WW, Adkins, etc...
But now yearrrrrrs later and working with Stephanie, I'm trying to feel my hunger, and my mind goes directly to caffeine!! carbs!! sugar!! And I don't have an appetite.
Also have been recently in the process of figuring out my stomach pain, I have an appointment with the gas Dr. and I'm pretty sure I have an ulcer.
So there's that issue too. HELPPP
ANSWER
Hello!
That's a great question.
Based on your question, I will assume you haven't done yet the PEACEFUL COURSE, which teaches you exactly how to find your hunger and practice food habituation. So I will coach you from being in CONFIDENT knowingly you will go deeper as you unlock PEACEFUL.
First and foremost, you need to work on your mindset around hunger. You have a lot of thoughts about your hunger, and none of them are facts. Use the self-coaching model inside CONFIDENT to work thru these:
C: MY HUNGER
TD:
I'm trying to feel my hunger
My mind directs me to caffeine, carb, and sugar
Caffeine is bad
Carbs are bad
Sugar is bad
I shouldn't desire carbs, caffeine or sugar
I don't have an appetite.
All of these are thoughts, not facts. These thoughts are what creates your feeling of despair when it comes to your hunger.
You'll need to create a new thought of your hunger to help you create new results.
Now, when we first start the process of learning to let go of dieting, food rule, and good and bad food, it's normal to feel lost when it comes to food choices.
We have three eating cues: hunger, fullness, and satisfaction. Knowing WHAT to eat relies on the satisfaction cue.
As we begin our journey, the first step is to take time to feel our cues, even if the signals are really faith at first. When the thought comes to your mind to eat or that you feel a faith signal of hunger... Take a breath. Perhaps even place both of your hands on your stomach and apply slight pressure so you can feel your hands on your stomach. And the, ask yourself these two questions (in your mind or out loud) 1) What would make me feel satisfied right now? 2) What do I want to eat?
Again, at the start of the recovery process from dieting, your brain will want everything that you have restricted at first. That's 100% normal. Your brain is testing you... it wants to know that you will really not restrict again any food. So your mind goes to what was restricted and testing the water... Will you really allow yourself to eat anything? Allowing all food is key.
Once you made your choice of WHAT to eat, being present with the eating experience is key. Be present with the eating and food. Eat Mindfully. Pay attention to how the food feels after eating. Does it serve you?
Let us know how it goes. Good work for showing up and asking for help!