I should mention how frustrated I am with myself. I don’t believe that diets work but I am really struggling with worrying about what other people think of me. I want to change this and I need to change this. I feel like people are judging my weight This is something I have put up with since I was in elementary school.

I want the freedom that you have found. I’m tired of searching for next weightloss fix. I have all this noise in my head that I need to clear. Noise about what I should or shouldn’t eat. Noise about my body and the weight I should be. I want freedom. I want to live and enjoy life and not be 80 years old and still worrying if I should have the piece of cake or eat the Doritos. I don’t want life to continue to pass me by.

ANSWER

Hi there,
First, I want to start by saying that it is totally normal for you to feel frustrated about your situation. When there’s noise, it makes it challenging to hear yourself or know the next best step to take.

The first step is to clear the noise and you do this using a thought download. I will invite you to go back to the Module “Confident”. Define your circumstances – body, food, etc.

Next do a thought download on all of the thoughts you have about those circumstances and create models for them. Notice how they are creating your current feelings – frustration, fear, worry and the results that this is creating in your life currently.

The models will give you awareness, which is a great step toward the freedom that you want. Don’t miss this step. Follow the lessons in Confident to work out the models that you create, then bring them for coaching.

Also, can you find space to bring compassion rather than frustration with yourself? How would the version of you who has freedom and enjoys her life approach this experience and treat herself? Embody that as you work through this.

I joined undiet your life back in July 2022 and I havent got very far with it. I really haven't done anything in quite a few months and I almost feel like I should restart at the beginning but I'm scared if I do that I am won't be able to finish the program before my membership expires. Ugh. Seems like it is just another thing I started, paid for, and didn't follow through with. I'm pretty frustrated with myself but I do believe in what you are putting out there and I want to give it another ago. Any advice on this?

ANSWER

Hi there,

You’re in the right place for coaching! It sounds like you have some thoughts about your ability to complete the program but are also aware that this may be a pattern for you.

Let’s start with some basics from the model. Our circumstance stays neutral. How we feel results from our thoughts about the circumstance. Our feelings then drive our actions or inactions. Currently you have multiple models running, so think about the following models to get started:

C: Undiet Your Life
T: I really haven’t done anything in quite a few months
F: Frustrated, “Ugh” (I invite you to explore this feeling and name it. It might be frustration or something else)
A: Restart the program
R: Don’t finish before membership expires

C: Undiet Your Life
T: I should restart at the beginning
F: Fear
A: Don’t do anything
R: Don’t finish before membership expires

With the R above, your brain is also offering thoughts about you starting and never following through with anything. With this awareness, you want to question the thoughts that your brain is offering you. E.g., is it true that you haven't done anything? what does starting at the beginning mean? when exactly is your membership expiring? Then decide whether your current thoughts are serving you and if you want to keep them or not. The lesson, Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life in “Confident” in the portal will be very helpful for this next step because it sounds like you want to try again. To try again, you’ll want to create a new model that gives you the result of completing the program in the time that you have left if you want.

Your next steps are to unpack those models, watch the lesson, then create a new model and come for coaching.

I have a little problem with believing in it until it manifests. How do I reconcile that with structural inequality, systemic racism, poverty? Is there a limit to the power of self-belief? Is there a limit to the power of the individual? What does manifesting mean in relation to Martin Luther King? This is not a facetious question. I genuinely find this idea challenging, even offensive dare I say it.

ANSWER

The first place I’ll coach you is to use your self-coaching model in this event. C: reading post. T: I find it offensive & I have a problem with manifestation. Do you like this T? Is it make you feel the way you want to?

Next, to find the answer to your questions, go back to the self-coaching model to understand how social oppressive systems play in people's results.

Our thoughts created our feelings. Our feelings produce our actions which “manifests” aka create our result. Manifesting simply means creating your R line on your model.

Take the example of the two social systems of oppression all of us here are working against patriarchy and fatphobia. For women of colour, you can also add to this white supremacy. Our unintentional thoughts in our models are likely learned from these systems of oppression, past experiences, trauma, family of origin etc... Take the example of the T “being fat means you are lazy” that many of us have been raised to believe. As adults now, we have power over our own minds… we can choose to no longer think this oppressive thought. We can change our thoughts therefore our belief system to “all bodies are good bodies”.

We recognize that the systems of oppression are present and the cause of many of the thoughts we think but we also recognized that we have power over our minds, therefore, work toward liberating ourselves from it in our minds.

Your self beliefs are influenced by external elements (like oppressive systems, family of origin, trauma, etc…) but you have the power and tools now (because you are here learning self-coaching, intuitive eating and body neutrality) to liberate your mind from the learned beliefs and thoughts that do not serve you anymore.

Is there a limit to the power of the individual? You have the power over your own life… granted you accept the responsibility of it. Collectively, when we work together, we have some power over the system of oppression but it does require patience. This is what folks who do activism believe and why they show up to do their work. What is critical to our ability to dismantle the system of oppression (either personally or in collective) is the belief that we can. If we think we don’t… it will never change.

Let’s look at concrete examples: women's right to vote in 30’s and 40’s. Women back in this time had no evidence that it could become possible for them to vote…but they knew it was the right thing to do so they held on to the belief. Today’s issue with non-binary and trans folks being denied access to sports or education… we have to hold the belief that we can change this.
C: system of oppression
T: we have no power over it
F: powerless
A’s: ruminate as to why we are oppressed/ ruminate on the injustice/ feel sorry for ourselves / give up / stop taking actions toward liberation /….
R: system of oppressive thrives

Martin Luther King created is R line of civil rights liberation and equal access to voting for black people. He had the evidence that it was possible because certain states had the right to vote already but not all.
C: us civil right
T: all people have equal rights to vote
F: hopeful
A’s: dedicate his preaching practice to black communities/ build a community of leaders to help him “manifest” his beliefs/ organize actions like walks and gathering to demonstrate / create strategies to gather help from US president / pressure US president to take action
R: August 6th, 1965 voting right act was signed by the US president.

Did white supremacy create more hurdles and difficulties for him? Hell yes! Did he let racism stop him from “manifesting” aka achieve his goal aka is R of equal access to voting for everyone: NO. He held on tight to his belief until it “manifested”. Had he lost and give up on believing he would have not “manifested “ equal access to vote.

Here’s another example closer to home: being in a fat body in western society. If fatphobia was factually limiting, then women like me would not be allowed to be confident in a non-conforming body aka a fat body. But I am. I wasn’t confident for most of my life because I thought I had no choice but to hate my body… and then I learned and accepted that I had a choice of the thoughts and beliefs I think in my own mind. I changed my thoughts and beliefs and I “manifested” the R in my model: confident in my large body.
I recently coached a black women student on system of oppression: of white supremacy and fatphobia on the July 11th coaching call. Go watch it.

Now back to you… Ask yourself some of these questions: Why do you think your brain created the T: it’s offending & I have a problem believing?
Why is your brain creating resistance in believing in your own power over your own life?
What is your brain protecting you from?
What do you think will happen if you believe you have the power over your own life?
Where in your own life are you giving away your own power? Where in your own life does your brain use the concept of limitation and lean on systematic oppression in order to stay in your comfort zone?

Finding the answer to this will be very insightful for you ❤️ We can coach you further on these questions.

Do I understand the process correctly? I have an example of food and an example of work.

C: I’m hungry but don’t find what I have on hand appealing.
T: I should eat my leftovers. I just want bread and cheese. I need to eat more vegetables with my meals. I don’t know how to eat a balanced meal. I love to cook but don’t feel like making it myself.
F: guilt, shame, frustration, anxiety
A: I order take-out or go buy fast food (for lunch).
R: I eat out more often than enjoy my own meals.

C: Work was exhausting, and I gave all my energy to complete my day.
T: I am always tired. My mind is numb. I don’t feel like I actually made progress in my work. I don’t like my job. I’m tired of being on phones all day. I feel stuck in customer service.
F: bored, frustrated, drained, unfulfilled, empty
Actions: mindless eating, numbing in front of the tv, taking naps, not leaving the house, craving sweets/junk food
Result: My job is not a good fit for my personality and energy levels.

Am I on the right track? I’m trying to keep a notebook by me as I work to jot down triggers/circumstances etc., as they happen, and set aside some time in the evenings to read them and do this practice to have active time with my brain, my feelings, and thoughts.

ANSWER

Hi there.

Sister, your models are off to a good start. Let’s get specific about the structure so that you can gain more clarity as you continue to build and work on them.

The self-coaching model helps you see how your thoughts create your reality. Let’s look at the model:

• Circumstance (C): is a fact about a situation outside your immediate control. It is neutral.
• Thought Download (TD): All the thoughts you have about the circumstance
• Thought (T): The story you have about the circumstance. This will often have a descriptor in it and lead to a feeling in your body, which differentiates it from a circumstance.
• Feeling (F): Physical sensations in your body, which lead to actions or inactions.
• Action (A): How you behave based on your thoughts and feelings about a circumstance (this could be multiple behaviours).
• Result (R): The outcome of your thought, feeling and actions/ inactions, as they relate to the circumstance. The result is related to you.

Going back to your first model on food. Your C is currently a thought. Using “I’m” and “don’t find what I have on hand appealing” are your thoughts about hunger. Perhaps hunger is the word you’re looking for. Your TD is missing. All the thoughts you have on your T line make up your TD, so merge them under TD. The next step is to individualize each thought to clearly see how specific thoughts lead to specific feelings. Then, I’d like to invite you to explore the A-line further. What other actions do you take apart from ordering take-out?

Once you revise your model and individualize those feelings, you’ll start to see your actions more clearly. Here’s a simple place to start:

C: hunger
TD: I’m hungry. I don’t find what I have on hand appealing. I should eat my leftovers. I just want bread and cheese. I need to eat more vegetables with my meals. I don’t know how to eat a balanced meal. I love to cook but don’t feel like making it myself.

T: I’m hungry.
F:…..
A’s:….
R:… .

T: I don’t find what I have on hand appealing.
F:…
A’s:…
R:… .

T: I should eat leftovers.
F:…
A’s:…
R:…

Continue to work through all the thoughts and complete the model. Repeat the same process for your model on work.

Feel free to share your revised model for coaching.

I’m still working on the modules for Confident, and I realized that my food habits, a coping mechanism for numbing feelings, make me feel lonely, afraid, and ashamed. I’m currently trying to work on myself with this program in the middle of a huge work-related problem. I’m triggered nearly every day, and I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I don’t eat well, and I don’t move my body. I try to set small goals of walking 250 steps an hour and drink water to stay hydrated. I think I am experiencing burnout, and I just want to eat comfort food. I’m struggling with self-coaching to help me turn my thoughts around. I’m in a very negative headspace, and I’m aware of it, but I don’t know how to break it.

ANSWER

Hi there.

First, thank you for coming forward and getting coached. Great work on becoming aware of your coping and habits around overwhelm. This is worth celebrating. Now, let’s look at where you are first for you to move forward.

You state that you’re struggling with self-coaching to help you turn your thoughts around; however, you haven’t shared what you’ve coached yourself on so far. As you have learned in Confident, your thought creates the emotions you are experiencing. Overwhelm is an emotion created by the thought you think to keep you safe and stay focused on inaction by looking at all the things you are not doing.

I would suggest you start by doing a self-coaching model. The first step is to identify the neutral circumstance. Some potential Cs for your model could be: work-related situation (be very specific about the situation), trying to work on me (what does this mean? Be specific about what you are doing).

Next, do your thought download and flush out all your thoughts about this neutral C... be detailed. This will likely create a lot of relief to see these thoughts out of your mind onto paper. You can create a model for the main 4-5 thoughts and see which thought creates which feelings. This will help you better identify which feelings are driving what actions. Then, you can have a better picture of where to start creating an intentional model to change things.

I would love to see your model on the dominant feeling you have right now.

I hope that helps.

Hi, the day of my 50 yo birthday, I realized that my partner has repetitively cheated on me with prostitutes, hard-porn, social media voyeurism. It impacted deeply the already crumbling image that I have of my physical image.

The TD is "It's my fault," the T: my body is too fat / I'm ugly / too old. My Emotions: I feel powerless/worthless /ashamed. & nauseous / frozen. The actions: I need to lose weight (if not, no one will treat me well), but instead, I numb myself with overeating leading to more anxiety, stress, shame and sadness—my question: how do we deal with this type of destructive behaviour. Thanks

ANSWER

Hello!

It looks like you have two different models operating here—the first one is about your partner's behaviours, and the second is about your coping mechanism (eating). The second one is only present because of the suffering you are creating around your partner's behaviours.

Main model C: partner behaviours (or partner sexual activities, or you could also do a model on each individual events)

TD:
It's my fault.
My body is too fat.
I'm ugly.
I'm too old.
I need to lose weight.
No one will treat me well if I don't lose weight.

F: Powerless, worthless, ashamed

A's: nauseous / Frozen / Paralyzed / numbing the emotional suffering/overeating

R: I create the reality that I and my body appearance cause my partner's behaviours.

The second model running in parallel:

C: Overeating
T: I shouldn't be eating / I have destructive behaviours / I shouldn't be overeating / etc.
F: Anxiety / Stress / Shame/sadness
A's: likely eating more / using more coping mechanisms / etc.
R: I use food to cope with the emotional suffering.

As long as you think about the C: Partner behaviours in the way you do, you will continue to create emotional suffering for yourself and need coping mechanisms (A's the line of your models). In fact, it looks like you are blaming yourself and your body for your partner's choices.

Let's look at your partner's model. Your partner created his action (choices) from his feelings and thoughts. His actions have nothing to do with you… it's 100% his thoughts and emotions.

C: Sexual desire
TD: ????? ???? ???
F: Excitement
A: hire prostitutes, watch hard-porn, social media voyeurism
R: ???

So to your question "How do I change my behaviours?" (Otherwise said, how do I change the A-line of my models?) by changing what precedes your A's - the feelings, therefore, your thoughts about the event.

You have to remember that the thoughts (TD) you have about your partner's behaviours are simply the story you tell yourself about the events. That story keeps in your current emotional suffering situation that you need to cope with using numbing behaviours.

You are suffering because of your thoughts, NOT because of the event (actions of your partner).

Changing your thoughts about the event doesn't mean what they did is ok. Changing your thoughts (maybe forgiveness) is about ending the suffering for you. Changing the story, you tell yourself about the event is an act of self-compassion. Changing your thoughts or forgiveness is not about devaluing the event; instead, it's about neutralizing the event so you can claim your power over the event and decided how you want to think, feel and act about this event.

The next step would be for you to review your unintentional model about C: Husband behaviours…. and then create an intentional model.

If you want to start working on this and resubmit, we can help you.
Simply resubmit "Body image deeply injured by partner betrayal Part 2" so we will know to get back to the first submission.

I hope this helps you.