COACH CORNER » C&T Coach Corner Mindset
Mindset
Fatphobia
Read Answer
I’m having trouble with all of it right now. I’m being extremely judgmental about body size. I don’t like to admit this to you because I don’t want to offend anyone in anyway, however, I have to address my judgment and I don’t know how else to do it. I don’t want to participate in a program that will just make it ok for me to be fat. I know that sounds terrible, but that’s the truth. I want to be free, but I don’t want to be fat and free. That’s the truth of it. Maybe you can help me come to grips with this and maybe you will kick me out. I just need to be truthful about what is going on with me.
ANSWER
Good day! This is a powerful question... and top of mind to most of our members. I wanted to answer this question in depth so we spent 30 minutes of our most recent Live Coaching Call to explain the solution step by step with one of our members.
I use the whiteboard and work through with examples on how to resolve this situation.
Please go to the Recordings page > Collective Coaching Call > November 19, 2020.
Meta-Thoughts
Read Answer
I am working on the Processing All The Feelings activity, and I'm experiencing a lot of meta-emotions. For example, I had an event occur, and my initial emotion was peaceful, but then I felt guilt/sorry for having that emotion. Is there a strategy for sorting out the multiple levels, or the initial emotion becomes a new event? I'm becoming more aware of my emotions, but I feel like I'm obsessing over them, too.
ANSWER
To get us started on a strategy to help you process "stacking feelings" is to understand why it happens. So, the starting point is to remember that our emotions are created by our thoughts. 1 thought creates 1 emotion.
From there, let's look at your example: An event happens (trigger), and your brain has an opinion about it, aka a thought. That thought creates the peace.
Then you notice a new set of sensations, and you realize that now you no longer feel peaceful but instead XXX. This means that you have a different thought about the event... a different opinion.
So let me give you an example: Event happens- first thought about it creates peace. Then you replay the event in your mind and analyze differently creates a new thought. Say, your partner buys you a gift for your birthday. At first you feel happy but then as the evening goes along, you start thinking about more and think "she/he could have put more effort into finding me an original gift, "... and then you start experiencing resentment.
I would say you can move to the next Lesson 4 and begin expanding your self-coaching model which will help you put some structure to your "obsession" and make it productive time spent looking into your emotions!
ANSWER
To get us started on a strategy to help you process "stacking feelings" is to understand why it happens. So, the starting point is to remember that our emotions are created by our thoughts. 1 thought creates 1 emotion.
From there, let's look at your example: An event happens (trigger), and your brain has an opinion about it, aka a thought. That thought creates the peace.
Then you notice a new set of sensations, and you realize that now you no longer feel peaceful but instead XXX. This means that you have a different thought about the event... a different opinion.
So let me give you an example: Event happens- first thought about it creates peace. Then you replay the event in your mind and analyze differently creates a new thought. Say, your partner buys you a gift for your birthday. At first you feel happy but then as the evening goes along, you start thinking about more and think "she/he could have put more effort into finding me an original gift, "... and then you start experiencing resentment.
I would say you can move to the next Lesson 4 and begin expanding your self-coaching model which will help you put some structure to your "obsession" and make it productive time spent looking into your emotions!
Fast Eating
Read Answer
My mother would always tell me I 'inhaled' my food when I was younger. This practice, regardless of how 'healthy' I eat, and no matter what diet I am on, has never shifted in me. I am looking for insight around why I might eat so fast. I am working on not judging myself for it but exploring it with curiosity. Even when I concentrate on eating slowly, I might succeed for a couple of bites but eventually just start to shovel it in mindlessly until my plate is clean.
I would love to hear your thoughts and any suggestions on resources/assistance!
ANSWER
So it would appear that you have a deep belief about yourself that you are a "fast eater" or " a person that inhales her food."
The way to understanding why you have such action is with the self-coaching model. All of our behaviors are created by the way we feel and, therefore, the way we think. So you need to find the thought(s) that create this action.
If you go back to Lesson 2 of CONFIDENT and in the worksheet "Your Confidence Storylines," we teach you how your brain functions. On p.1 we show you the complete self-coaching model:
C: eating
TD:
I'm a fast eater
I inhale my food
???
???
??
??
T: I'm a fast eater
F: _____ (Anxious? Shame? Anger?)
A: I'm not present with the eating experience, I distract myself, so I don't feel the X emotion (Shame?), I'm not present with my food, I numb myself by eating too much.
R: I move through the eating experience quickly.
One point to sit with and reflect is that, like every other human, you were born an intuitive eater and mindful eater. Along the way, someone (seems to be your mom's) told you words (thoughts) about your eating, and you took this person's words as a fact . At a young age, it's normal that we believe other people's words and take them as facts. Today, as a grown up, you no longer need to take these words as a fact... you can change this belief (perspective) what is represented in "Your Confidence Storylines" worksheet as perspective.
So it would appear that you've been holding this belief that produces thought(s) that make you feel X and the response to this feeling is A; mindless eating. R: I eat fast.
I hope this makes sense. If not, ask another question!
Once you work through your unintentional model to fully understand what is happening, you can create a new way of thinking, following Lesson 6 of Confident.
Hope this helps you!
I would love to hear your thoughts and any suggestions on resources/assistance!
ANSWER
So it would appear that you have a deep belief about yourself that you are a "fast eater" or " a person that inhales her food."
The way to understanding why you have such action is with the self-coaching model. All of our behaviors are created by the way we feel and, therefore, the way we think. So you need to find the thought(s) that create this action.
If you go back to Lesson 2 of CONFIDENT and in the worksheet "Your Confidence Storylines," we teach you how your brain functions. On p.1 we show you the complete self-coaching model:
C: eating
TD:
I'm a fast eater
I inhale my food
???
???
??
??
T: I'm a fast eater
F: _____ (Anxious? Shame? Anger?)
A: I'm not present with the eating experience, I distract myself, so I don't feel the X emotion (Shame?), I'm not present with my food, I numb myself by eating too much.
R: I move through the eating experience quickly.
One point to sit with and reflect is that, like every other human, you were born an intuitive eater and mindful eater. Along the way, someone (seems to be your mom's) told you words (thoughts) about your eating, and you took this person's words as a fact . At a young age, it's normal that we believe other people's words and take them as facts. Today, as a grown up, you no longer need to take these words as a fact... you can change this belief (perspective) what is represented in "Your Confidence Storylines" worksheet as perspective.
So it would appear that you've been holding this belief that produces thought(s) that make you feel X and the response to this feeling is A; mindless eating. R: I eat fast.
I hope this makes sense. If not, ask another question!
Once you work through your unintentional model to fully understand what is happening, you can create a new way of thinking, following Lesson 6 of Confident.
Hope this helps you!
Where can I find the intentional self-coaching model?
Read Answer
I am familiar with CTFAR (circumstance, thought, feeling, action, results), but I'm wondering if the unintentional model means I don't like how I feel/actions taken/results, and the intentional model meaning how I would RATHER TFAR.
ANSWER
This is the moment you've been waiting for: How to change your thoughts, so you can feel better, take more productive actions, and create the result you want in your life!
The unintentional model is the observation of how you think to create your results currently in your life. If you don't like the result, you've been thinking unintentionally. Intentional thinking is about acknowledging that the way you think creates your results, so now you will start thinking intentionally.
Once you find the thought that creates the results you want in life, you need to practice these thoughts regularly. This way, your brain will get to produce this new intentional thought first when faced with the C instead of the old unintentional thought.
ANSWER
This is the moment you've been waiting for: How to change your thoughts, so you can feel better, take more productive actions, and create the result you want in your life!
The unintentional model is the observation of how you think to create your results currently in your life. If you don't like the result, you've been thinking unintentionally. Intentional thinking is about acknowledging that the way you think creates your results, so now you will start thinking intentionally.
Once you find the thought that creates the results you want in life, you need to practice these thoughts regularly. This way, your brain will get to produce this new intentional thought first when faced with the C instead of the old unintentional thought.
I am torn about sharing with the world the work I’m doing here in Conquer & Thrive
Read Answer
I have not told anyone that I am working through the Conquer and Thrive program. Much like my food and body image problems, I am keeping this experience to myself outside the Conquer and Thrive community. I am torn about that as I don’t want to act on old feelings of shame, but I also want to do the work that will make me stronger in the face of diet culture and patriarchy before “going public.” Any suggestions?
ANSWER
Trust yourself... right now, it appears that you would want to live this experience with yourself, following your innate wisdom guidance.
The other question to ask yourself is why: Why do you think you'd need to share this with the world? What are your thoughts about that?
I would suggest you do a self-coaching model to see your thoughts about it. C: Sharing my journey... and see what's under this? Share, and we can help you.
ANSWER
Trust yourself... right now, it appears that you would want to live this experience with yourself, following your innate wisdom guidance.
The other question to ask yourself is why: Why do you think you'd need to share this with the world? What are your thoughts about that?
I would suggest you do a self-coaching model to see your thoughts about it. C: Sharing my journey... and see what's under this? Share, and we can help you.
Understanding Intuitive Eating-response 2
Read Answer
What you said was GOLD. Thank you so much.
My answers are as follows.
T- I should be following a diet to see results
E- Incredible sadness
A- I beat myself up and find the next diet to follow. I plan it out. I factor in the exercise. I give everything I can to try RALLY myself.
R- I follow the diet until I don't, and the result is another failure.
T- I can't control myself
E- scared
A- Create a strict plan to follow, so nothing is left to me.
R- I follow the plan for a while until I prove myself right and go out of control.
T- I will put on so much weight
E- Disgusted
A- Eat in secret and lie to myself.
R- I put on even more weight.
T- I can't just eat what I want.
E- Panic
A- Restrictive eating. Don't go out so I won't be tempted.
R- I restrict myself on every level until I lose all control.
I see my struggle is because I don't trust myself or the process of Intuitive Eating.
I don't trust it because there is no plan, I can't see or gauge my results, and I am scared I don't know what I'm doing so I will fail again.
ANSWER
Great work! So I’m going to provide you with coaching on your response and guide you to the next step.
1- Step 1 of changing anything in your life is to understand why is it you want to change and why. This is what step 1 of self-coaching does for you. So is it clear to you what the problem is?
Is it your body? Is it you actions? Or is it your thinking?
First model coaching:
Incredible sadness isn’t an emotion. Refer to worksheet Processing All the Feelings. Get familiar with the different emotions and identify the one that represents what you feel within you. This is really important. Could it be despair?
This coaching will apply to all of your models. What else to you do beyond the spectrum of food and diet as a result of how you feel? When we feel profound emotions such as despair, the consequence will go way beyond food and diet. That’s a guarantee. How does it affect your relationship(s)? Your work? Your self-care? Your family?
Explore your A line way deeper… this will help you commit to changing your thinking. You will see patterns of coping behaviours beyond the food as well. For example, every time you feel despair, even at work, you likely do the same actions… yet the problem isn’t food. Can you see the power of doing this?
Finally, it appears that you found the real issue… you don’t trust yourself. Intuitive eating isn’t the problem as we expected. It’s normal that you don’t trust yourself now because that’s exactly what dieting required… it required you to disconnect from trust and respect towards yourself. So your mission is to rebuild a relationship of trust and respect with yourself. The way to do this is intuitive eating. Slowly gradually, you will practice trusting yourself at first with your eating cues.
Now, let’s work on an intentional way to think of self-trust using Lesson 6 of Confident.- Change your thoughts, Change your life!
My answers are as follows.
T- I should be following a diet to see results
E- Incredible sadness
A- I beat myself up and find the next diet to follow. I plan it out. I factor in the exercise. I give everything I can to try RALLY myself.
R- I follow the diet until I don't, and the result is another failure.
T- I can't control myself
E- scared
A- Create a strict plan to follow, so nothing is left to me.
R- I follow the plan for a while until I prove myself right and go out of control.
T- I will put on so much weight
E- Disgusted
A- Eat in secret and lie to myself.
R- I put on even more weight.
T- I can't just eat what I want.
E- Panic
A- Restrictive eating. Don't go out so I won't be tempted.
R- I restrict myself on every level until I lose all control.
I see my struggle is because I don't trust myself or the process of Intuitive Eating.
I don't trust it because there is no plan, I can't see or gauge my results, and I am scared I don't know what I'm doing so I will fail again.
ANSWER
Great work! So I’m going to provide you with coaching on your response and guide you to the next step.
1- Step 1 of changing anything in your life is to understand why is it you want to change and why. This is what step 1 of self-coaching does for you. So is it clear to you what the problem is?
Is it your body? Is it you actions? Or is it your thinking?
First model coaching:
Incredible sadness isn’t an emotion. Refer to worksheet Processing All the Feelings. Get familiar with the different emotions and identify the one that represents what you feel within you. This is really important. Could it be despair?
This coaching will apply to all of your models. What else to you do beyond the spectrum of food and diet as a result of how you feel? When we feel profound emotions such as despair, the consequence will go way beyond food and diet. That’s a guarantee. How does it affect your relationship(s)? Your work? Your self-care? Your family?
Explore your A line way deeper… this will help you commit to changing your thinking. You will see patterns of coping behaviours beyond the food as well. For example, every time you feel despair, even at work, you likely do the same actions… yet the problem isn’t food. Can you see the power of doing this?
Finally, it appears that you found the real issue… you don’t trust yourself. Intuitive eating isn’t the problem as we expected. It’s normal that you don’t trust yourself now because that’s exactly what dieting required… it required you to disconnect from trust and respect towards yourself. So your mission is to rebuild a relationship of trust and respect with yourself. The way to do this is intuitive eating. Slowly gradually, you will practice trusting yourself at first with your eating cues.
Now, let’s work on an intentional way to think of self-trust using Lesson 6 of Confident.- Change your thoughts, Change your life!
If I stop dieting, is it ok to still want to be healthy?
Read Answer
Hi! So if I stop dieting it feels like I am being contradictory if I still am conscious of what I eat and the exercise I do.
ANSWER
It's totally understandable that you think this way. That's exactly what diet culture has programmed us to believe. Common thoughts we believe are "Health is the result of dieting" or "Health can only be achieved if you restrict and control". Really important to note that these are thoughts not facts. I would suggest you get curious about what health means to you, what thoughts you currently entertain in your mind about what health is and how you have to behave to be healthy. The thoughts you have about health is what create how you feel about health, and your feelings are what produce your health-promoting behaviours. A reminder that no action is still action: it's called procrastination.
The best way for you see why you feel contradiction is to use the self-coaching model. C= Health and then do a complete TD about health. See what's hiding in your mind that drives this feeling of contradiction.
Then you can decide if these thoughts are what you want to continue to entertain in your mind. You get to decide what you think about health... that's empowerment.
If you think you need to upgrade your thoughts about health you can listen to podcast 208 - Health Beyond Dieting and weight loss or read this article Chasing Health with intuitive eating.
ANSWER
It's totally understandable that you think this way. That's exactly what diet culture has programmed us to believe. Common thoughts we believe are "Health is the result of dieting" or "Health can only be achieved if you restrict and control". Really important to note that these are thoughts not facts. I would suggest you get curious about what health means to you, what thoughts you currently entertain in your mind about what health is and how you have to behave to be healthy. The thoughts you have about health is what create how you feel about health, and your feelings are what produce your health-promoting behaviours. A reminder that no action is still action: it's called procrastination.
The best way for you see why you feel contradiction is to use the self-coaching model. C= Health and then do a complete TD about health. See what's hiding in your mind that drives this feeling of contradiction.
Then you can decide if these thoughts are what you want to continue to entertain in your mind. You get to decide what you think about health... that's empowerment.
If you think you need to upgrade your thoughts about health you can listen to podcast 208 - Health Beyond Dieting and weight loss or read this article Chasing Health with intuitive eating.