Self-Coaching Model #2
C: Eating after work
T: I have to reward myself
F: Confused
A: When I feel confused, I get anxious, and then I eat to calm my anxiousness.
When I feel confused, I avoid looking after myself because I am so consumed by wanting the feelings of confusion to go away.
R: I numb out with food to avoid the uncomfortable feeling
C: Eating after work
T: Got through the shift, all the clients like me.
F: Relief and Depleted
A: Sit down; after sorting everyone else out emotionally, I have nothing left for me
R: Numb out with food that doesn't make me feel good.
C: Eating after work
T: It's just a habit
F: Resigned
A: When I feel resigned, I just think, well, this is my usual and sort of give up on myself because I want to push away the thoughts of feeling like I can't do better.
R: I numb out with food that doesn't make me feel good.
C: Eating after work
T: I can't change
F: Disappointed
A: When I feel disappointed, I want to avoid and try to get rid of that feeling that doesn't make me feel good. I would expect myself to react with numbing.
R: I numb out with food that doesn't make me feel good.
Thank you for taking a look at these unintentional models...
ANSWER
Hello!
Great work showing for coaching.
The structure of the model is great!
C: is neutral
T: are clear and single.
F: Clear and single.
Where we have opportunities is in the A & R lines which are totally expected for beginners. Your brain is not used to seeing and accepting that you create your own R with your own A’s.
In the A line, you need to have more depth. Your ability to see what A your F are causing is the key to changing the R. By depth, I mean a deeper number of actions. Remember that actions are in the moment, after and also inaction. Actions are NOT feelings or thoughts.
This model, for example:
C: Eating after work
T: I have to reward myself
F: Confused
A: When I feel confused, I get anxious and then I eat to calm my anxiousness. When I feel confused, I avoid looking after myself because I am so consumed by wanting the feelings of confusion to go away.
R: I numb out with food to avoid the uncomfortable feeling
What you were really saying is this:
C: Eating after work
T: I have to reward myself
F: Confused
A: I numb my feelings using food (I get anxious, and then I eat to calm my anxiousness), I avoid looking at myself … what else? What is going on in your mind during the numbing? What goes on 1 hr after numbing using food? What else are you avoiding? How are your relationships impacted? How is your self-care impacted? Dig deeper.
On the R line: Remember the R proves the T right. The R will be easier to see once you have a deeper understanding of the A line. Start with I create….
On the same model, I’d suggest an R but might be wrong since I do not have a full view of your A’s: and also, I don’t clearly understand how the T “I have to reward myself “ creates confusion for you. What are you confused about?
Again, hard for us to do because we are not in your mind, but it will be something like this:
R: I create the reality that I have to reward myself (it will be more precise once you are clear on why you are confused and more depth in your A line).
So my suggestions are:
1- check-in will your feeling to each T. Is that the right feeling?
2- Expand your A’s.
3- Rewrite your R line based on coaching, and you can resubmit for coaching.
Fear of rejection
Through the thought work on eating, I've identified that I have a fear of being judged.
It shows up not only in eating but also in all aspects of my life.
I see a duality in knowing that only my thoughts can impact me and not others, but I do not know how to get out of this fear of judgement.
Intellectually I get it but I am stuck on how to integrate that as a new thought or what intentional thought to practice to liberate myself from the fear of judgement.
C: People
T: I should not care about other people's thoughts or judgment about me and about what I do. I am doing the work to focus on what makes me happy, and that's what should be more important.
F: Vulnerable
A: distancing from people, not reaching out to friends, spending time alone with dogs, numbing when feeling lonely, overthinking how and what I share on social media, creating art because it make some happy and immediately thinking if this will be appreciated.
R: I create the reality that people can affect me
Thank you.
ANSWER
Hello!
I think this is great work… you have discovered an important part of your belief system that has been creating a lot of your thoughts. I think this is a celebration for you and big #win!
Sounds like you have a belief: Other people's opinions are more important than my own opinion or Other people's opinions matter more than my own. Do you have your own opinion of yourself?
Remember, a belief is simply a thought we have been thinking for a long time. I would suggest you listen to Going Beyond The Food podcast #249 Good Girl Syndrome… you'll see that most women have been indoctrinated in the exact same thought as you. This indoctrination is by design to keep women insecure.
So now that you know, you simply need to change this thought. That's where Intentional Thinking comes in. I'd suggest starting with a narrow scope like C: Eating and then expand to other C in your life until you are so grounded into the thought: The only option that counts is my own.
C: Eating
T:
F: Confident
A's
R:
I am feeling generally a bit blue
Do you have any suggestions for working with this in the context of the program? It is unusual for me not to be “doing” my way out of the feeling.
I am actually okay accepting that this is just where I am at the moment but I am unclear about when I may tip in to a wallowing stage.
ANSWER
This is an excellent advanced question for an advanced student. Let’s do this.
Let’s do some basics first:
We know that emotions are the consequence of our thoughts.
We know that inaction is an action caused by our feeling.
So what you are feeling right now is caused by your thoughts.
We know there’s a C that is neutral that your brain is giving a meaning to. This meaning to the neutral C is your thoughts which then cause the “ feeling of down.”
This “ feeling down” is causing you to have inaction “not working my way out of the feeling.”
With that in mind, we can use the self-coaching model to investigate. I think this is the case of two models running concurrently.
The first one is the model with the C that created the unnamed emotion you describe as feeling down, and the second model is you processing this emotion and judging yourself for “wallowing.”
C: X
T:x,x,x,x
F: X ( feeling down)
A: Wallowing
R:
C: Feeling X ( feeling down)
T: I’m wallowing. It is unusual for me not to be “doing” my way out of the feeling,
I am actually okay accepting that this is just where I am at the moment,
I am unclear about when I may tip into a wallowing stage.
F: Doubt, xoxo,
A:
R:
The first place to start with is identifying the name of the feeling. Go back to your Hoofman list of feelings. Close your eyes and label the sensations, and attached a name to the emotion.
Second, complete the second model…
and then reverse engendered the first model and determine what C it is and complete the model.
I would also suggest you watch the Conquer Emotional Eating workshop (in the vault) and fast forward to the section where Stephanie teaches in more depth about emotions. Stephanie introduces a concept called the Riding the Wave”. It will help you understand what is happening right now.
Good work, sister!
Habituation – Intentional model
C: Habituation Exercise
T: When I show up to do the work in C & T, I'm releasing myself from the shackles of diet culture.
F: I feel courageous, I feel authentic
A: I participate in life, I keep routine, I carry out tasks, work, my hobbies, and move.
R: I am present in my life and in my relationships.
It sounds a little woolly, but I think I mean that when I do the exercise and do the work, I come out of my head and into the real world. And while that's not always perfect, it's more authentic and grounding?? I get away from just being obsessed by the battle of food and become involved with more interesting, more real things.
ANSWER
Hello sister!
Good work showing for coaching, and you have the right framework; just needs tweaking.
Self-coaching differs greatly from positive thinking in which it requires us to get really specific about the T we are trying to change. The first stage of self-coaching is about the unintentional thinking and identify the T's and belief about the C that do not gives us the R we desire.
When we move to next stage, which is intentional thinking, we need to get a specific T about the C that will create the 1 F we need to feel in order to produce the A's that will unfold the R.
When I look at your intentional model, you have 2 T's and 2 F's. This tells me you have not yet identify the T that's causing the problem (unintentional models) so you are bringing this confusion to the intentional models with 2 T's and therefore 2 F's.
What are you really afraid of about the habituation process? What's troubling you? When I go back on your last coaching request, it was about being out of control, not trusting your body, wanting to control your emotions, etc… Yet the current intentional T is about "C&T" as a whole and diet culture. That's the real problem here!
So you need to go back to your unintentional model and really sit with it and determine the unintentional T you want to work on. To help you with this, I'd suggest going back to Confident Lesson 6 and follow the step-by-step process to build your intentional model in the worksheet "change your thought; Change your life."
Hope this helps!
Practice with the Coaching Model
C Beginning to do online teaching with a co-teacher
TD:
I would be good enough. She has a PhD. I won't be able to handle all of the aspects of the computer. I will look like a fool to my co-teacher and students.
T: I can't do this. helpless
F: I experience a great deal of tension in my neck and shoulders.
A: Kill myself in an effort to perform well.
R: Take way too much time to work on this, which takes time away from all other aspects of my life.
ANSWER
Hello!
I'm glad you showed up for coaching!
First off, this is really well done… 80% there! Let's look at each line.
C is neutral.
You have TD. Single thought. Clear concise thoughts.
Now, where the opportunity for you is when you are breaking down each T from your TD. The first model you gave us is not a T from your TD and includes an emotion.
C Beginning to do online teaching with a co-teacher
TD I would be good enough.
She has a PhD.
I won't be able to handle all of the aspects of the computer.
I will look like a fool to my co-teacher and students.
I can't do this.
T I can't do this.
F: helpless
The tension your feel in your neck is the precursor sensation, not the actual feeling.
Next is the A line… You need to dig deeper in action, reaction, inaction that happen before, during and after the online teaching. I like to use the precursor: When I feel X, how do I react? What do I avoid?
Also, your current R is actually an action.
T I can't do this.
F: helpless
A: over-perform -Kill myself in an effort to perform well, overprepare -Take way too much time to work on this
Did you over-prepare? How did you react after class? Did you over-analyze your performance? Did you ruminate on all the "bad"? Did you blame others? Did you fall into numbing habits?
Your R proves your T right. If you think you can't do this, you will either not do it or overanalyze it, ruminate on it or spend so much time on it that you will come to the conclusion that you are not good enough to do this "normally".
T I can't do this.
F: helpless
A: over-perform -Kill myself in an effort to perform well, over=prepare -Take way too much time to work on this
R: You prove to yourself you can't do this.
Hope this helps you. Next for you is to breakdown each T in your TD in an individual model. From there, you will be able to see patterns in T and A and identify the real issue. Then you'll be able to determine what you need to think intentionally to change the R for this C.
T: I would be good enough.
F:
A:
R:
T: She has a PhD.
F:
A:
R:
T: I won't be able to handle all of the aspects of the computer.
F:
A:
R:
T: I will look like a fool to my co-teacher and students.
F:
A:
R:
Resubmit when you have all your models are done and your intentional models, and we will review them with you.
Self-coaching model
Unintentional model
C: Eating emotionally
TD: I do it every time, after work. I have to sit down and reward myself with a sugary snack for a job well done. Sometimes I don’t even enjoy the snack. It is just a habit. Why can’t I change the habit?
T: I need a reward after work
F: Anticipation
A: As soon as I get in, I find a sugary snack
R: I eat a sugary snack as a reward
Intentional Model
C: Eating emotionally
T: I need a reward after work
F: Anticipation
A: Yes, I do need a reward, but can I think of something other than a sugary snack? Maybe some essential oils?
R: I reward myself without food. If I am not hungry, using my essential oils, I feel better within myself.
Thank you.
ANSWER
Hello!
Great work showing up... The first place I want to start is the C: Emotional eating. Right now, that's not neutral for you... based on your model that something is "bad".
I would suggest using C: Eating after work.
The TD is good, but I think there is more… It almost sounds like a journaling extract than a thought download. Separate each element of opinion in a separate thought. I attempted to do this below. Also, a question is not a thought. Questions typically hide a truth we don't want to see…
Also, The A line is not comprehensive enough. You need to dig deeper and see all that this emotion creates for yourself. What you do and don't do as a result of feeling this way.
The R line is not accurate in the 1 model you have submitted. The R proves the T right. Now the R line will be difficult to see if you don't have an awareness of all the A that your emotions create for you.
Here's a revised view on your 1 model submitted:
T: I need a reward after work
F: Anticipation
A: As soon as I get in, I find a sugary snack. I eat so fast that I don't taste the food. The first thing I know is I want more because I never actually enjoy the food, I'm not present in my body, I use food to numb out my exhaustion, I avoid seeing how I really feel about my work, I overthink about everything else that needs to be done now that I'm home, I overthink about how tired i'm, etc….
R: I don't care for myself; create the need for rewards to fuel an empty tank.
Not sure if this is accurate…
What I suggest you do is to complete a model for each thought in your TD according to the coaching and guidance in CONFIDENT Lesson 2. Go and pull the worksheet and use the helpful questions to help you dig deeper.
Submit these models for coaching.
Figure out the real issue… it's never food!
T: I do it every time
F:
A:
R:
C: Eating after work.
T: I have to reward myself
F:
A:
R:
C: Eating after work.
T: It has to be sugary food
F:
A:
R:
C: Eating after work.
T: Sometimes I don't even enjoy it
F:
A:
R:
C: Eating after work.
T: it's just a habit
F:
A:
R:
C: Eating after work.
T: I can't change
F:
A:
R:
Unconditional permission to eat, Processing emotions
I practiced the habituation technique of savouring the food, smelling it, touching it, really tasting it, trying to be present with it. But then I thought, "oh, I can eat all these chocolates because I have unconditional permission to eat them." So I had a few more chocolates - trying to savour them and be present as I ate. But then I thought ok, these are really yummy, and I want more, I have permission to eat as many as I want. So I kept taking the chocolates and ate and ate. By the end of the evening, I started to feel very full, and that night I couldn't sleep very well.
So I'm confused and stuck. How can I process my emotions and also have permission to eat unconditionally. Shouldn't I do one or the other. If I sit with my emotions but just eat chocolate after chocolate because I have permission, where is that getting me? I'm so confused; I feel I'm going to fail all this because no food tastes as good as those chocolates. I have written the 10 principles of intuitive eating down and put them on my wall. If I ask myself, does this food (expensive chocolates) taste good? Yes, they do; nothing tastes as good as they do. What do I want to eat - chocolates. Do they taste good? Hell yes. Am I satisfied? Oh yes, they taste so good.
And since I bought the 3 boxes of chocolates, I decided to buy tubs of ice cream. And I decided I can eat all of this, and yes it tastes amazing. I'll stop now because I'm full. But actually, I'm not satisfied. I need more and more, but also I'm starting to feel ill. And now I don't sleep because I'm too full and have heartburn.
So as I have started Peaceful, my mind has not become peaceful. It has become panic-stricken. Help, I'm stuck.
ANSWER
Hello!
First thing, great work working through habituation. Rest assured, nothing has gone wrong… all that you described is normal, but yes, scary… Rest assured, nothing is wrong. All is good and expected. You have released the restriction, and the "pendulum is swinging." (See Peaceful Lesson 4).
When you stop restricting, you will eat more of the restricted food at first until your body can trust that it will never again be restricted. At that point, the pendulum will stop swinging and eating will regulate.
What seems incorrect is your expectation of the process of habituation.
Be reminded that this is a process and a journey… It sounds like you have done 1 habituation process, and you were expecting your body and yourself to get it "right" the first time. Were you expecting years (maybe decades) of diet mindset, restriction and body distrust to wash away with one session of habituation? If this was your expectation, my sister, I'm afraid to tell you that's "magical thinking."
Habituation takes many repetitions, compassion, grace and patience.
Habituation is about rebuilding trust and respect with your body. It's about teaching your body that never again you will restrict the food, that ongoing, when your body demands to eat the food, it will be made available, that there will never again need to feast on it because it will never be deprived (famine). The longer the restriction was applied to the food, the longer the habituation process will be needed.
You walked into the habituation process with false expectation (magical thinking), and after 1 attempt, your brain is "confused" and "stuck"… you need to do some self-coaching here. Your brain is creating confusion and being stuck as a way of keeping you into your current dieting way of life. Go back and listen to Private Podcast #2 -I'm confused & #6 I'm stuck.
You have a lot of unintentional thoughts about C: Habituation
C: Habituation
TD:
I'm confused
I'm stuck
I'm going to fail
no food tastes as good as those chocolates
Work these thoughts in models and see what they create.
Also, we highly recommend working through habituation with one food at a time. You mention ice cream and chocolate. Pick one and stick with it until you have appeased the "pendulum swing."
The other part is about processing emotions that's a whole separate process that has nothing to do with habituation. Processing emotions happens all day long, every day. You don't want to use your desire to process emotions as permission to restrict food… that's called mental restriction.
Curious about Eating When Not Hungry-Part 2
Here is my unintentional model around snacking at work in the afternoons:
C: PM snacking
TD:
I am not hungry, so why am I eating this?
I am eating out of habit, and it's a habit I need to break.
I don't feel good eating this food, during or after.
I had a great lunch, and I am "ruining" it with this snacking.
It's totally unnecessary.
I don't want to be constantly reaching for food in the afternoons.
I should be able to resist eating snacks at work in the afternoons or at least just have a small one.
I am doing something wrong here.
T: I should be able to resist eating snacks at work in the afternoons, or at least just have a small one.
F: Frustrated
A: Continue to eat, criticize myself, distract myself
R: I continue snacking in the afternoons at work and feel bad about it. Sometimes, I will continue eating when I get home. I am no closer to understanding why I engage in this behavior.
ANSWER
Hello!
Same coach here from Part 1... Let's do this!
First off, good work, sister! I'm glad the first coaching was helpful. I'll coach on your model first, then give you the next step.
When I look at your unintentional model, I can see why you are feeling like you are "struggling" with snacking. The thoughts you have about snacking are assigning a status of "snacking is bad and snacking should be controlled". This is what we call Diet Mentality thoughts. Unravelling these thoughts and belief is principle #1 of intuitive eating: All eating patterns are neutral. All food are neutral.
Thoughts like:
It's totally unnecessary. (at a deeper level, you don't trust your hunger cues; therefore, you don't trust your body).
I am doing something wrong here. (at a deeper level, you are holding the belief that snacking is wrong; hence you think you are doing something wrong.)
I should be able to resist eating snacks (at a deeper level, this means that you are assigning moral virtue to your ability to "control" your eating).
All of these thoughts and deeper beliefs are why your body is rebelling and leading you to swing your pendulum of eating. As long as you continue to assign moral value to eating or food types, you will continue to have rebellious eating behaviours.
The process of intuitive eating is like shedding years of socialization and internalization to eating and food beliefs.
So my assignment for you is to do another round of self-coaching on C: PM snacking, but this time, get deeper.
What's interesting is the part 1 coaching on this question was not completely acted upon. You probably unconsciously left out the most significant part of the coaching. I want to emphasize unconsciously because your brain is trying to protect you from seeing the "real issue" as a way of keeping you in your current reality. I'm going to paste it again here:
"The first place I want you to focus is understanding WHY you want to stop snacking in the afternoon. Why is snacking in the afternoon a problem to be solved or fixed? What will happen when you "fix" this problem, or what are you trying to avoid by "fixing" this "issue"?
For most women we have coached, the desire to stop eating (even snacking) is the fear of gaining weight and or not losing weight. When that's the motivating factor, it will always trigger more eating. That's what we call psychological restricting driving by internalized fatphobia."
So let's do another round of model with the next layer of deeper thoughts.
I'll wait to see your model and coach you again!
Curious about Eating When Not Hungry
Where does habitual eating fit into emotional eating... if at all? Does it even matter that I attempt to distinguish between these things?
I am trying to find a way to explore this idea in more depth and need some coaching, please!
ANSWER
Hello…
The first place I want you to focus is understanding WHY you want to stop snacking in the afternoon. Why is snacking in the afternoon a problem to be solved or fixed? What will happen when you “fix” this problem, or what are you trying to avoid by “fixing” this “issue”?
For most women, we have coached the desire to stop eating (even snacking) is the fear of gaining weight and or not losing weight. When that’s the motivating factor, it will always trigger more eating. That’s what we call psychological restricting driving by internalized fatphobia.
The bottom line is this: Snacking in the afternoon is normal and neutral. What makes it “something to be fixed” are your thoughts about it. I’d love to see a self-coaching about this and coach you.
C: Snacking in the pm
The other element I want to work on is compassion. I notice that you are still inside PEACEFUL, which means you literally just started the process of intuitive eating. I see perfectionism showing in the question: Why is it that I haven’t regulated my eating already? The pendulum swing that we teach you in PEACEFUL will last weeks and sometimes months before you stabilize in the middle to an intuitive eater. Be compassionate with yourself… you are trying to revert decades of restriction, dieting and deprivation. Make sure to practice the self-compassion audio from CONFIDENT frequently… especially when you’re trying to “fix” your eating habits.
We will wait for your self-coaching model.
Mind drama about stopping when I’m full
No problem is for the hungry part. I let myself eat when I want and connect to the satisfaction of eating everything without restricting myself.
I'm experiencing resistance trying to practice feeling my fullness. I'm trying to stop in the middle of the meal to check my fullness level but often notice that I don't even want to stop because I am afraid that I will notice I'm full and will have to stop eating.
My brain is like: I do what I want. We said no rule, so you do what you want.
C: take a break during meals
T: I'm full, but I don't want to follow another rule that tells me what to do.
F: rebel, resistance
A: continue eating. Keep thinking I'll do better next time.
R: stuck
C: eating passed fullness
T: I need to learn how to do that. It is not good for my body to overeat. I will keep gaining weight.
F: sad, defeated
A: more emotional eating
R: still stuck
I also tried to make smaller steps like: I will only take a break to check my fullness level. I can continue eating if I want to. I'm just practicing connecting to my body. It helped because I can now see when I'm full but it brings guilt to continue eating when my brain knows I am full.
Not sure how to go to the next baby step for me.
Thanks
ANSWER
Hello sister! Ok, this is a really good question… Let's do this. I'm going to coach you first on the fullness question and then give you pointers on self-coaching.
I see that you are in Confident, yet you know about intuitive eating. So this tells me you've learned intuitive eating before coming to us. Know that we address what you struggle with in more depth in PEACEFUL.
Is it possible that your past teacher led you to believe that intuitive eating is a guideline of Eat when hungry, Stop when full? Based on your models, it seems like you have a rule that one must stop when full. This is not intuitive eating. Although intuitive eating teaches you to reconnect with your fullness signals, it cannot be turned into a rule. When you do so, rebellious behaviour will ensue guaranteed. Looks like that's what's happening to you.
So this is what you have to work on …. 1- figuring out why you made this into a rule and then letting go of the rule "One must stop eating when full."
Let me guide you using self-coaching.
What you are experiencing-struggle with fullness is very common and easily explains using self-coaching. I actually can see why you are struggling with it when I look at your second model. The T's you have about fullness mainly "I will keep gaining weight" is what is causing the rebellious behaviour of "I do what I want. We said no rule, so you do what you want."
Until you change your belief around what it means for you to feel full, you'll create rebellious behaviours (pendulum swinging).
So the next baby step is not to focus more on fullness but instead to clean up your mind from all the thoughts that are creating the rebellious behaviours.
The fear of weight gain and what weight gain means are the top reasons people struggle with fullness. I suggest you explore what does gaining weight means for you. A source of inspiration might be our latest public podcast #276 and also on your private podcast feed for Conquer and Thrive podcast #12, where Stephanie answered a question on weight gain and podcast #18 I can't stop eating.
C: Weight gain
Now, let's give you some coaching on self-coaching so you can maximize the tool.
Both of your C are great. Short to the point and neutral.
The thought download is present, but given the nature of this topic for you, I believe you need to dig deeper and create a broader TD. You may need to pause after your first draft and come back to it the next day and pull more T out from your mind to really see what's holding you back.
Next, the F line: You have two emotions… it's really important to work each T into its own model so you can identify which T create which F. This will also be essential to see all of your A's. Right now both models need more depth in the A line… I would suggest you use the pointers inside the Confident Lesson 2 Worksheet. These short questions to ask yourself as you do your model really help the depth of your models.
The R line of your model isn't accurate as you have more than 1 T in your T line. The R you created reflects the T you think… Here's what your models couldn't look like (I use my experience with weight gain to fill in the blank)
C: eating passed fullness
T: I will keep gaining weight.
F: ________, fear
A: _____, I overthink if I ate too much, I question my fullness cue, I ruminate on my last weight gain experience, I avoid being in the reality by eating more, I numb the anxiety by watching Netflix instead of doing my self-coaching, I overthink how eating past fullness will make me gain weight.
R: I create the reality that I could be gaining more weight.
Hope this helps and we will be happy to help you when you create your models. Submit, and we will be here for you.